The Physicist and the Mathematician
by Inspired Demon of Fiction
Summary: A fic trilogy, mostly Three/Delgado!Master but with some cameos from other regenerations and other characters. *ORIGNINALLY 'Natural Logs vs. Logarithms'* CRACK SLASH FLUFF ANGST PARADOX AU. Ten/Simm!Master, Brig!abuse, Jo!ignorance, UNIT!ignorance
1. Natural Logs vs Logarithms

**Title:** Natural Logs vs. Logarithms

**Authors:** Tu as Three and Demon as Delgado!Master AND the Brigadier *gasp of horror*

**Rating:** T for ruining _every_ Doctor/Master moment of New Who and Three being, well… THREE

**Summary: **The Master shows up with 'no ulterior motives' and the Doctor needs help with a few designs… this can only end badly.

**Warnings:** THIS IS NOT OUR USUAL CRACK!FLUFF!FIC XC THIS HAS EXTREME WIBBLES AND HURT AND PAIN AND REALLY BAD PHALLIC INVENTIONS! Plus, those of you who understand math might cringe at our logic.

* * *

Doctor: With little cucumbers and nommy bits! *pleased with self* I find that awkward conversation always gives me an appetite

Master: Enjoy it while you can Doctor, it may be your last! *frowny!face*

Doctor: *little pouty frowny face of win* *noms*

Master: *sigh* Oh, do stop pouting... I take it back, you can have many more... *coughs* cucumber sandwiches with nommy bits...

Doctor: Oh, you do think highly of yourself. *hmmfs* I hardly need YOUR permission to have a sandwich, or several if the mood strikes

Master: *eyebrow raise of unlikelihood* Oh really, my dear Doctor? And just how do you propose to make a sandwich _by yourself?_ *is carrying this metaphor as far as it will go*

Doctor: *blinkstare* You do realize that it's actually an extremely simple process, merely the layering of the desired toppings onto a piece of bread, or toast-- I prefer bread *missed the innuendo COMPLETELY* Even Captain Yates has managed it on occasion, though not without the use of some of my very delicate equipment *still bitter about that*

Master: *is contemplating mind-raping the Doctor JUST to make him understand* *COUGHS* *is trying REALLY hard to escape the metaphor, but just can't* Erm, yes... I suppose he has... *defeated!sigh* *slight pout*

Doctor: *smirk* Something the matter? You don't look at all well. *not quite sure what happened but aware that he won*

Master: Perhaps I'm coming down with an illness... *dejected!sigh* *is definitely not secretly hoping the Doctor might take pity on him and play comfort!nurse*

Doctor: An illness? *laughs* somehow I doubt that, as if you would let yourself fall pray to anything so mundane *personal space invasion* Now, really, what are you up to?

Master: *is just a tad offended that the Doctor immediately suspects him of foul play the minute something is different* *but he makes up for it by personal space invasion* *and it gives him an opportunity to possibly avenge the wasted metaphor* Why, my dear Doctor, I am at my leisure, I am up to, as you put it, nothing...

Doctor: I find that hard to believe *looks a little uncertain, the Master might actually be telling the truth, after all. Stranger things have happened* Unless you're simply here for the company, which your many and unflattering descriptions of the Brigadier would lead me to doubt.

Master: *evil!smirk of winnage* Too true... so what could possibly have brought me here, you must be wondering. *is stalling in order to come up with a suitably ambiguous plot that will eventually end up in secksy TARDIS tiem...*

Doctor: *sudden!realization* Oh no... *takes a step back in HORROR*

Master: *eyebrow!quirk of win* *well, THAT didn't take too long* Yes, Doctor, yes, that's exactly what I'm here for... *sweat-drop* *worries the Doctor will call his bluff and pick some hair-brained reason for him to be here just to spite him*

Doctor: Well, you'll NEVER get it, *practically RUNS back over to the work table* Not ever, I've spent months perfecting the design and hours convincing the Brigadier to give me the materials *cuddles his latest pet project*

Master: *gob smacked* *the Doctor HASN'T managed to call his bluff, but has _still_ managed to come up with the most ridiculous evil plan he could think of...* Yes, I've come for *coughs* your Prototype Electromagnetic Neuralizing Isotope Screwdriver.

Doctor: I might have known! *frowns* You never could resist interfering with my experiments! *gives it a little toss*

Master: *gulp* *is continuously STUNNED by the Doctor's incredible ability to ignore innuendo* *obviously he's spent too much time in 'ignorance-r-us' UNIT* Yes... always. Since you could never quite calibrate them correctly though *hopes that the insult might snap the Doctor out of his ignorance*

Doctor: *eyebrow quirk* My dear fellow, you were the one who could never quite manage his calibrations, if I remember correctly.

Master: Perhaps, but then your designs were always unbalanced.... *return personal space invasion*

Doctor: *holds the Prototype a little closer and steps back into the table* My designs were inspired *pouts!grumble* at least some said so *cough YOUsaidso cough*

Master: *flinches* *cough*It'sbecausetheywerebasedoffof...*COUGH* *refuses to end that sentence* *hopes that NOW POSSIBLY the Doctor will snap out of his significantly WRONG PG-rating* *otherwise saying that just induced WAY too much blush-of-Rassilon and awkward!explanation*

Doctor: *eyebrows have gone to hide in the hair* ...I see. *looks down at the Prototype* *looks up at the Master* *scowls* yes, I think I finally see what's going on here : [

Master: *FINALLY!* *smirk of relief/win* *moment of doubt* You do, do you? *quizzical!brow, just to make sure* *sidles after Doctor one more*

Doctor: You're not just after the prototype, you're after my designs! *slides away again* *HAS managed to pick up on the innuendo and is trying to ignore it again*

Master: *just BARELY manages to restrain a frustrated!groan* *forehead!rub* Yes, Doctor, I'm after your _designs_ as well... they're what I eat and breathe, day in, day out, all I think about is, "when will I get the Doctor's _designs?_" *decides to just take it and run with it* *is wondering if he should perhaps regret saying that, in case the Doctor takes him seriously*

Doctor: Is that so? *mischievous grin* how terribly single minded, I had hoped you might spend at least a small portion of your time on more... diverting past times.

Master: *head snaps up in shock* *sees mischievous!grin* *flooded with hope* You... well, my dear Doctor, if I hadn't been so terribly worried that I might never _see_ your designs, I would have been able to give more thought to more _diverting past times_.

Doctor: *well aware that he's on dangerous footing* You should have known better. I could not have kept them from you if I'd _tried_. *feeling a little nostalgic and affectionate, with all the science!Talk*

Master: *hearts beat faster* *is in denial of this* *also the warmth suddenly flooding through his body* *refuses to LOOK at all pleased/nostalgic* *coughs* Well... *coughs* It... it must have been some time since you've shown me your designs, I've forgotten...

Doctor: *a little hopeful/flattered/relieved that the Master isn't threatening to blow things up and kill people* Would you really like to see? Obviously I've made several changes...

Master: *is flattered/relieved the Doctor is willing to share* *even if they are JUST designs* I would be honored, my dear Doctor.

Doctor: *starts going through stacks of papers to find the relevant designs* I must say, I expected something more from you...

Master: *eyebrow raise of distrust* Such as...? You were looking FORWARD to my latest threat to take over the world unless you did as I commanded? *snorts* I'm sorry Doctor, but no such luck today...

Doctor: *shakes his head* No, no, I hardly wanted you to be up to your usual scheming. Still, *sigh* well, seeing you so easily satisfied...

Master: *ASFGHKAHEIUWR* *flusteredness-of-Rassilon* Well! *huffs* if I hadn't been suppressed and rejected to the point of doubting _any_ attempt at camaraderie with you perhaps I WOULDN'T BE! *is totally not sore about this and does not blame the Doctor entirely*

Doctor: Is that so? *looks a little surprised/hurt* Is that what you've been attempting to do? Hm? Because if these past few... visits were attempts at _camaraderie_ I have notes! *flustered*

Master: *breaks flusteredness scale* No, Doctor, and if you took such copious notes, which would surprise me greatly, given how dumbly you responded to my last visits, you would recall that they had a significantly greater intent than camaraderie! *is going to pretend he didn't just reveal something hideously vulnerable and tender*

Doctor: *cool and seemingly unaffected* Shall I assume you mean sex, rather than murder?

Master: *long drawn out sigh* *is going to also pretend that that didn't really, really hurt* Shall we just look at those designs then?

Doctor: Yes, yes I suppose we should. *liprub* *hoping to get the Master out of there, so he'll stop making him feel vaguely guilty and uncomfortable* *goes back to digging in the pile of design sheets* ...I know I had it in here somewhere

Master: *wryly, but not too wry, as that could tempt the Doctor to plunge another dagger into his hearts* *is definitely not going to nurse this one forever* There's one specifically you wanted to show me?

Doctor: Yes, *too distracted to realize that that probably isn't a wise thing to admit to* yes, there was... a modification of something I've been working on for quite some time--Ahhah

Master: *approaches the Doctor, for purely scientific purposes in seeing the design clearly* Hmm... are you sure that the overall _shape_ is becoming for its function? *is only a vaguely pointed comment*

Doctor: *frowns* I see nothing wrong with its shape... *looks over at him* besides, you're hardly one to comment, I am familiar, you'll remember, with your tissue compression eliminator *teasing*

Master: *coughs* Yes, um... that was a little... _ungainly_... But, I rather think if you smoothed out this section here *makes a sweeping gesture* and tighten the corners here *points* It will work much more effectively *small grin hiding uncertainty*

Doctor: *blinks* Really?...*pulls the plans closer to look at them* Yes-- yes, I suppose if the phase shift modifier were slightly farther back... *getting absorbed in the awesomeness that is his latest gadget* *remembers that the Master's there* *suspicious* Why are you helping me?

Master: *scoffs* Purely for scientific advancement, my dear Doctor! You know, as well as I, that I could never resist a good invention... neither could you, of course. *smug!smirk* *is not going to be trapped into some emotional outburst twice today*

Doctor: Of course *snatches the plans, because, really, he shouldn't be giving the Master access to his brilliant ideas, who KNOWS what purposes he could twist them to* Well, if that was your singular purpose in visiting UNIT, you should be able to return to your TARDIS satisfied.

Master: *sigh* *WHY does he keep using that word?!* *turns to leave* *turns back* Are you sure there wasn't anything else you wanted me to see? Anything at all? *trying really hard not to sound desperate*

Doctor: Are you... *really trying not to love this* ... offering to stay? *failing*

Master: *not looking at the Doctor* Not for a PROLONGED amount of time, but... as I have no plans of universal domination currently, I thought I might perhaps spare you a few precious seconds... *it's either this or get to the other side of the universe as fast as possible and drown his sorrows in drink*

Doctor: Well, in that case, I suppose you could help me with my adjustments to the dynamic pulse regulator... I don't suppose you could do too much damage and I need SOMEONE with an understanding of fourth dimensional temporal interphase…

**WHEN THE DOOR WAS OPENED BY...**

Brigadier: Doctor, I was wondering if you... *jawdrop of Rassilon, despite the fact that he's a human and doesn't have a clue who Rassilon is* *sees the Doctor* *sees the MASTER* *sees them working together on a blueprint* *is THE ONLY PERSON ON THE BASE who can put 2 and 2 together* Doctor, what is this?! Explain yourself immediately!

Doctor: *jumps* *totally wasn't distracted by all the science talk/proximity of the Master* What?! Ah. Brigadier, just the man I wanted to see. The Master here *gestures as if the Brigadier might not know who he's talking about* Has just offered to assist me in my latest project. *beams*

Master: *staaare* *and not for the usual reasons, but is rather afraid the Doctor overstepped his boundaries in saying that* *will have to have a LONG TALK with him about making obligations for him*

Brigadier: *slow blink* *thinking about having his ears cleaned* Excuse me Doctor, you'll have to repeat that. Did I just hear you rightly that the Master is going to HELP you on your LATEST PROJECT? *stare of disbelief*

Doctor: Yes, that's right *liprub* He made the offer, and I could hardly refuse. He is, after all, one of the few capable of understanding, let alone improving on, my calculations.

Brigadier: All that aside, Doctor, need I remind you *speaking as if the Master wasn't in the room*, this is the MASTER we're talking about! HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU TRUST HIM?! *flails*

Master: *mildly insulted by the Brigadier's tone, but would like to congratulate him for remembering that last bit* *vaguely flattered by the Doctor admitting that he can improve his calculations* *smug!grin*

Doctor: *looks at the Master, then takes the Brigadier aside. By the elbow. No respect* Brigadier, I appreciate your concern, but I have reason to believe that the Master is sincere in his desire to assist me. *doesn't intend to elaborate on those reasons, because they mostly boil down to "We used to sneak off and do unspeakable things in the labs back on Gallifrey and the Master is sentimental"*

Brigadier: Well, even if you will trust him, that isn't enough to convince me. He MUST be held accountable for his actions here. On top of covering for all the things he's done in the past, how do you expect me to just let him stay here, handcuffs-free?

Master: *pretends not to be listening to their conversation about him as he fiddles with the blueprint* *is mildly disgusted/annoyed/nostalgic to discover that the Doctor's hand-writing hasn't improved one WHIT since the Academy...*

Doctor: My dear Brigadier, need I remind you what happened the last time you attempted to hold him accountable for his crimes? *eyebrow!quirk* *insufferable grin* *really wouldn't be wholly against a replay of the sea devils incident... with the jet-skis, definitely, that bit was FUN*

Brigadier: Ah, but this time he will be here, under YOUR watchful eye, Doctor *jabbing finger at his chest, revenge for the elbow pull*

Master: *looks up, aghast*

Doctor: *looks down at the Brigadier's finger, than back up at him* You aren't suggesting that I be put in charge of-- of BABYSITTING him *completely flustered* No, this is merely a-- a consult, if you will, it shouldn't take more than a few hours. It's not as if he's here to stay

Master: *facial expression changes from shocked insult, to slightly flattered, to hurt pout* *feels the need to interject here* Ah, Doctor, before your conversation continues any farther, might I have a word?

Doctor: *slightly surprised, had forgotten that the Master was listening in* Yes? *decides to abandon the Brig before he can object* Yes, what is it?

Master: *pulls the Doctor in WAAAY far corner, is SO not letting the Brig hear this* Uh, Doctor, though I have certain objections about the terms and conditions of my stay here, I'm, uh, NOT entirely against a... somewhat... indefinite stay here... *strokes rubbish!beard, half in earnest thought, half just to soften the Doctor a little*

Brigadier: *taps foot impatiently, not being able to hear a word*

Doctor: ... you're WHAT?! *pretty sure the Brig heard that, drops voice to a whisper* Now, look here, I don't know what you're plotting, but I agreed to allow you to assist me, temporarily, for as long as it took us to work out a very specific problem-- then, of course, I had assumed you would head back to your TARDIS and vanish into the vortex *not a little jealous of THAT ability*

Master: Jealous, Doctor? *cannot mistake that look* Perhaps, but... *lowers voice even more* if I WERE to stay, I could take you _where ever you wanted_... *REALLY wants to just stay, and REALLY doesn't want to let the Doctor know that* but, *raises voice slightly* if you want me gone that badly... *can't quite hide a small pout*

Brigadier: *SERIOUSLY wants to know what's going on now*

Doctor: *angry that the Master called him on his jealousy and managed to make him two offers he CAN'T take in the same breath* Of course I want you gone, you're a public menace and a villain *little pout* I can hardly just--hardly just keep you!

Master: *mutters something about if he wanted to be kept...* Very well Doctor *straightens up and raises voice loud enough for the Brigadier to hear* after I help you fix your little P.E.N.I.S. *spells it out* problem, I will leave *smirk of revenge*

Brigadier: *BLINKSTAAAARE* *REALLY needs his ears cleaned* *is almost tempted to run screaming out of the room to get it done NOW*

Doctor: *goes a little pink* *clears throat* Yes, quite, *going to PRETEND that he didn't just DO that-- in front of the Brigadier, of all the--* If you could just take a look at my plans for the main power reduplicator *walks back over to the blueprint stack, calm as can be* I'm fairly sure that's where the problem is.

Brigadier: *coughs* *swallows* And you promise to leave when that's finished, do you?

Master: Oh, yes Brigadier... and no amount of begging will stop me, I can tell when I'm not wanted and I'm CERTAINLY not wanted here *sounds as gay (Here meaning HAPPY, thankyousomuch) as can be, but the Doctor can FEEL the bitterness coming off him in waves*

Brigadier: Err... good... *REALLY doesn't want to hear the backstory behind that one* *flees swiftly* *hopes that the chemists have found a new formula for brain bleach that he can test out*

Doctor: *grimaces, because, yes, that DOES hurt* Here you are, then. *shoves the plans in his general direction* I -- I must go check on-- *just doesn't feel like flirting anymore* Well, yes, I must. *shifts awkwardly, preparing to make a run for it and wait*

Master: *glances at plans* *realizes the Doctor isn't running away, as usual* *looking at the plans and NOT looking at the Doctor* You know, if you just told me to stay, I would stay...

Doctor: *awkward shift* *rubs neck* Yes... yes, I know. Of course I know.

Master: *grinds teeth, frustrated!sigh* Well, it seems the problem is in your calculations, you've used a logarithm when you should have used natural log... *flings papers back across the table at the Doctor*

Doctor: *CLINGS to the change of topic* Did I? I haven't made such a juvenile mistake since--*storms over and grabs the plans* Here, don't be ridiculous, the geometric progression of the reduplication process clearly calls for one, anything else would send the entire system into overload *points vaguely*

Master: *can see the Doctor isn't REALLY focused on the plans any more than he is* *watches him with hooded eyes* Doctor, the _error_ is in _your calculations_, I'm sure of it. *didn't actually intend to load those words with so much metaphor, but there you are*

Doctor: *slightly flustered* My _calculations_ are perfect, I know they are. *still looking at the plans, though he's stopped actually reading them* I've spent years coming up with them, I can hardly be expected to just-- just toss them aside based on guesswork. *really not talking about the plans anymore*

Master: *looking him in the eye, even if he's still hopelessly trying to focus on the plans* Doctor *very patiently* new theories in mathematics are thought of every day. And I was always the better mathematician, you were the physicist. *wry!grin, very fleeting* Your calculations, you must admit, just this once, were _wrong_.

Doctor: *about a million lightyears away* Yes... yes, of course, you're right. Here, I don't suppose you could help me find the error? *a little uncertain, suspecting that the Master will refuse out of spite*

Master: *REFUSES to let the overflowing hearts-break show on his face* *is failing just a little because he can't stop the over-brightness in his eyes* *is thankful the Doctor really doesn't notice... yet* *swallows* Yes, of course... *walks over to the Doctor's side of the table to show him* *pretends he doesn't remember checking Thet-- the Doctor's homework just like... this*

Doctor: *moves aside to let him see, but still hovers closer than he really needs to* I think you're right, that it must be somewhere in here *reaches over, leaning against the Master just a little... he can't keep the Master, but he can enjoy it while it lasts* but I can't for the lives of me see where it is. *little smile, and looks at the Master FINALLY* Some things never change-- are you quite alright?

Master: *rubs nose hurriedly* *in a gruff tone that has NOTHING TO DO WITH CERTAIN UNSPEAKABLE EMOTIONS* I'm perfectly alright Doctor, just a bit of a draft in here is all... must have caught chill... *points with black-leather!glove-of-ambiguity-that's-trying-really-hard-to-still-look-evil-but-really-rather-wishing-it-was-more-good* there, the logarithm base 15 should be a natural log and I think it will solve your entropic decay problems

Doctor: Hmm. *watching the Master and not really looking where he's pointing* You don't say. Listen, are you _sure_ you're alright, you look a little flushed.

Master: *closing eyes very carefully and taking a deep, only slightly shakey, breath* Doctor if you ask me if I'm alright one more time I will have to leave without another word, now do you want to solve this problem, or don't you? *glares up at the Doctor, realizes that was a bad idea, and turns away again a little too quickly to be considered normal*

Doctor: *frowns in confusion, really more interested in the Master's reaction than the problem with the Prototype* I do, of course I do, you said it was that logarithm just... *reaches over, leaning into the Master and pointing to the wrong spot* Just here, was it?

Master: *fighting down a laugh that SERIOUSLY threatens to break down all pretense of composure* No, you stupid git... *defies the little voices in his head telling him this is a BAD IDEA of the First Degree* *guides his hand to the correct spot* here... *lets it rest there, unflinching* *pauses a moment, toys with the idea, decides once again, to defy everything and throw caution to the proverbial wind* *pulls the Doctor's hand to his chest and closes his eyes, just letting him feel how weakly his hearts beat* and here...

Doctor: Ah... *stares, really REALLY can't pretend to have missed that one* *sad half smile* I suppose I should have used the natural logarithm there as well. *can't resist splaying his fingers a bit, then wrapping his hand around his tie* It wouldn't be hard to...modify my calculations. *speaking a little more softly*

Master: *shudders* *can't stop just one tear leaking out* *tilts head down to avoid showing the Doctor* *can't speak, but is going to try anyway* If you... if you would only... *with intense control* _try_... *interlocks fingers with the Doctor, still on his chest*

Doctor: *very softly* That didn't exactly work out well the first time...*reaches up with his spare hand to stroke the Master's cheek turning his face toward him, not going after the tear so as not to embarrass him*

Master: *sigh* *opens eyes, much clearer now* I remember... but we were young, Doctor, we were very, very young... *frowning, not out of self-pity, but in an attempt to make a logical argument out of this painful mess*

Doctor: We haven't changed very much... *goes after the frown with his fingers, doing that nervous lipstroking gesture on the Master for once* ... the obvious differences aside.

Master: *will not suck on the Doctor's fingers, will not suck on the Doctor's fingers, will not...* *tenderly kisses the tips of his fingers, dragging them ever so slightly into his mouth* *slight eyebrow!raise of glee*

Doctor: *flinches* *takes a deep breath* That's _not_ helping. *doesn't pull away*

Master: *sucks harder, flicking his tongue at them* *over fingers, so it's slightly garbled* Shouldn't have put them near my mouth... *glee increasing with each passing second that the Doctor doesn't pull away*

Doctor: *swallows visibly* *watches him and tries, very, very hard to come up with a reason to flee back into his TARDIS* ... oh, for Rassilon's sake! *pulls his finger free, grabs the Master by the shoulders and shoves him up against the table* You really haven't changed at all, you're still utterly incorrigible *proceeds to snog him senseless*

Master: *cannot remember being THIS happy in a LONG DAMN TIME!* *REALLY EFFING _MISSED_ THIS* *one hand rakes the Doctor's back while the other nests itself in his cotton-candy hair*


	2. The Lovin' Feeling of Evil: Part 1

**Title: **The Lovin' Feeling of Evil

**Authors:** Tu as Ten AND Three, Demon as Simm!Master AND Delgado!Master (written as S!Master and D!Master)

**Rating:** T… because I like T, it's a good, all-purpose rating

**Summary: **Because 'Time Crash' wasn't enough crack!paradox time… Tu and I have gone slightly madder than usual and given you a DOUBLE paradox of slashy, crack, time-line-breaking WIN. Prepare for your brains to be burnt and your NuWho to be ruined.

**Warnings:** CRACK!PARADOX(ES), FOURTH-WALL-BREAKAGE, AND SLIGHTLY ILLEGAL MEMORY-SHARING, MAJOR EOT SPOILERS (set immediately after EOT, and for that, it's slightly AU)

****The Council of the Time Lord Slashers has banned this fic on most of the universe and on all planets with intelligent life, as of now, it has officially been purged from the Matrix (along with the biodata of the authors known as Tu and Demon)****

**A Note from Demon:** Several of you (here meaning the two people who have commented XD), if we planned to continue this story and I more or less answered yes and no, stating that there was a fuzzy sequel type thing in the making and that if you really liked out Three/Delgado!Master RP's, there were several otehr fics up which featured it :). Well... this is sort of the sequel, but rather than open a new fic, I decided to just merge what might eventually become three different fics into one, since someone put an alert on the story, I figured this was easiest. Hope you don't mind! :D - Loves, Demon

* * *

D!Master: *CLING!nuzzle*

Ten: *eyebrowquirk*

D!Master: And, err, that *CLING!nuzzle* should have erm... been in parentheses... *gets off* NOT me AT ALL

Ten: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure it was 8D I never knew you CARED XP

D!Master: Yes, erm... quite right... *looks around TARDIS* Um, Doctor, er, you are the Doctor correct? *is going to be REALLY embarrassed if he accidentally just glomped a COMPANION* *might be sick just thinking about it*

Ten: Oh yes, that's right-- don't you recognize me? *looks a little hurt* Oh, I've gotten older, and I'm sure the time distortion's making me a little out of sync and woogly *wild gestures with his hands* But I'm still me.

D!Master: *squints slightly* Oh, yes I see, Doctor! *realized he sounded a bit too cheerful just then* *coughs* You've regenerated obviously... you look... *whistles* quite a bit younger than I remember you *REALLY hopes that didn't come out wrong*

Ten: *shifts uncomfortably under his gaze* *awkward laugh* Yes, well, *does the neckrub!Thing that he stole from Three* things change, I haven't bothered being old for awhile now. Haven't managed it. You look...*trails off* *clears throat* quite a bit younger than you should *whips out the sonic screwdriver and starts waving it in his face*

D!Master: *flinches, tries to move away* What on earth is that thing? And Doctor, how did I come to be _here_? I take it HERE is your TARDIS? *gazes at the oddly glowing green central control panel*

Ten: *blinks* Oh, yes, yup, same old girl, still in tiptop shape--WELL, as tiptop as you can get without Logopolis... or.... *REALLY shouldn't be saying ANY of this* *moves on quickly* And THIS *tosses the sonic up in the air* Is the sonic screwdriver. D'you like it? I've made--ohh, a hundred or so new models since I was in velvet and ruffles. Go on, have a look, I know you want to *offers screwdriver*

D!Master: *tries very hard to focus on the screwdriver and NOT the very beguiling look in the Doctor's big brown eyes...* Um, certainly, certainly... *grabs the sonic device* *examines carefully* Why... this is incredible, you never would have achieved something like this in my time *marvels at the oddly comforting little thing* How many settings does it have? *looks back up at the Doctor, swallows slightly*

Ten: *knowing smile* Two thousand, four hundred and forty two... and a half *steps in closer* As you can see, I took your advice and finally modified the outer design to suit its function. *actually making and keeping eye contact with the Master* *more softly* We should find out why you're here, Master, before something dramatic happens--*darts over to the console and starts checking the readouts* the last time I fell into a paradox we nearly blew a hole in space-time the EXACT size of Belgium. That was my Fifth, you haven't met but you'll like him *grimaces* a little more than you should, actually.

D!Master: *is pretty sure he's liking THIS regeneration a little more than he should* *brain is a little fuzzy after the eye contact, _Rassilon_, his eyes are intense...*

Ten: *realizes he's being stared at* *knows why he's being stared at* *soft smile of understanding* Were you doing anything... unusual before you wound up here? Messing with time-space, trying to punch a hole through reality--well, I guess those wouldn't really be unusual, but you know what I mean.

D!Master: *realizes he was staring* *blush of Rassilon, generally hid by the rubbish!beard* Um, no, no... nothing... which is perhaps more unusual than all those things. Well, I was finally getting along with your... Third regeneration, I believe? Which, if you recall was... *coughs* very rare *leans on TARDIS rail, away from the Doctor*

Ten: *stuffs his hands in his pockets* Yes, yes, I remember. I wasn't always... *coughs* entirely fair to you, back then. I regret--- *really can't do this right now* *looks down at his shoes* Well, I do. If the paradox wasn't started in your timeframe, it's got to be something I did here... wouldn't be the first time *boyish grin*

D!Master: *manages to catch the boyish grin* *hearts flutter slightly* *gets very angered with self because IF that happens _at all_ that is ONLY meant to happen for ONE specific Doctor* *...really hoping that because of the paradox the mind-link is broken* *coughs* Yes, very well Doctor, is there anything I can do to... assist you?

Ten: *BEAMS* *The Master is asking to help him with Teh Science and it's JUST like the old days and oh, he MISSED this* Yes, oh yes, here--*steps aside and takes the Master's shoulder* I was just making a SLIGHT adjustment to the temporal phase modifiers, it shouldn't have caused a disturbance this--- *looks the Master over* significant, anyway, why don't you take a look at the vortex scans and I'll do a quick once-over of the modifiers, hm?

D!Master: *is not okay with this Doctor being so much more cheerful and_ touchy_ and _attractive_...* *strokes rubbish!beard absently, only half listening because he's distracted by the physical contact* Yes, I suppose I could... *still stroking rubbish!beard absently*

***Outside the TARDIS, something strange and unnatural and completely wonderful is happening...***

S!Master: *lands back on earth, slightly ungracefully, in a heap* *looks up, shakes head* *breathes deeply* *21st century... recent temporal disturbance...* *looks around, sure enough... the TARDIS* *lips curve upwards in a faltering smile* *walks towards the TARDIS, peers inside, because for Time Lords, those windows actually DO work* *sees the Doctor and... no, no, no that's impossible...*

Three: *pulls up in Bessie* *has the cloak on* *is badass* Excuse me, you there! *has a HUGE gadget* This might seem like a strange question, but what year is it?

S!Master: *turns very, very slowly* *staaaaaaaaaaaares* *whispering* Unbelievable... *tries VERY hard not to laugh to death at the 'HUGE gadget'* *can't help a slight snicker*

Three: *getting impatient* Well? It's a simple enough question and time is of the essence

S!Master: *looks down, grinning for a moment, then walks straight over to Bessie and leans on the driver's side door, totally invading the Doctor's personal space* You really weren't good at the whole 'subtlety' thing, were you? *staring straight into the Doctor's eyes and NOT letting him look away*

Three: *really seriously unnerved but trying not to show it* *stares right back trying to place him* Sorry-- *shifts in his seat trying to get a little bit of space* look here, do I _know_ you?

S!Master: *twisted!smirk* I'm the Master, and _you_ are going to help me get MY Doctor back.

***Meanwhile, back in the TARDIS...***

D!Master: Doctor! Doctor come quickly... look at this, there's just been... I'm not sure... *strokes rubbish!beard in thought*

Ten: *leans over him to get a look, slips on the brainyspecs* Let's have a--woah! That's... unusual, to say the least, a sudden spike in temporal energy as if something... *shakes his head* I'm not sure.

D!Master: *Doctor!proximity is REALLY hindering his ability to focus right now...* *chews lip to prevent him from doing... well... something strictly forbidden for Time Lords* *decides to look at the Doctor as little as possible while he's here* *returns to charts* And there, look... that's another TARDIS landing, isn't it?

Ten: Nonono, that's impossible! *pushes the Master out of the way slightly* Oh, that's not good. Very not good. *frownyface*

***And... back OUTSIDE the TARDIS***

Three: *who has managed to get a hold of his device and point it at the Master in a menacing manner... or as menacing as you can be in a purple lined cape* I'll ask you again, what are you _doing_ here, the laws of time specifically forbid this sort of thing-- and with very good reason! Look at you, you're--- *frowns* something's wrong with you

S!Master: *rolls eyes* Oh, very well spotted Doctor *claps sarcastically* *minor surge of electricity* And you should be asking yourself that, or rather, you and YOUR Master... I suppose that's why you're here *smug!grin*

Three: Yes...*warily, watching him closely* Yes, I've been tracking a series of Time Distortions, and found myself *little smile* where ever we happen to be, which, need I remind you, you never told me. 21st century Earth, by the look of things.

S!Master: *nods* 2009, 2010? And the me you're looking for, is just over there... *points to the TARDIS that the Doctor has somehow missed* You said time was of the essence, tell me, am I about to do something diabolical? Throwing you into the Time Vortex? Pathetically trying to kill off the human race? _Again?_ *weary sigh* *rolls eyes again*

Three: Actually, *smirks* you were being uncharacteristically civil, *slips out of the car and straightens his outfit* But allowing this sort of paradox, if left unchecked could rip a hole in reality.

S!Master: _My_ kind of reality... *smirk* *Knows that this Doctor hasn't seen ANYTHING like him yet* Now, old man, you are going to help me, because your oh-so-civil version of me is getting all snuggly with _my_ Doctor and no earth-shattering _paradox_ is going to stop me now... *glint of insanity in his eyes*

Three: *is actually a little frightened* Now, wait just a moment *walks towards him, looking over at the TARDIS* Having two different versions of us in one place is dangerous enough without adding the two of us into the equation. This is an extremely delicate situation, and if you're not prepared to take that into account... I'll have to stop you. *hands on hips* *tries to look sure of himself*

S!Master: *stands up straight, sparks of electricity flying from his fists* *looks the Doctor up and down once before pulling him in a tight embrace and snogging him senseless, not especially hard* *whispering in the Doctor's ear* _Very_ delicate, and I know just how to solve it...

***Back inside the TARDIS... again***

D!Master: Well, what could another TARDIS possibly mean? Unless...

Ten: It's our paradox, it has to be. *NOT in the mood to explain why it couldn't be another Time Lord popping in for a chat*

D!Master: *frowning* _Our_ paradox... so you mean that other TARDIS is... *is not trailing off just to hear the Doctor speak, even if he has a very pleasant, lilting accent in this regeneration* *even his version had a good voice... when he wasn't shouting at him*

Ten: Yes, I'm afraid so. *takes off the specs* Luckily that makes this a closed paradox, just you and me *dazzling grin that actually reaches his eyes* Unless my younger self was with you when you were pulled through, in which case we've got an even bigger mess on our hands.

D!Master: *blush recalling what he and the Doctor had been doing earlier that day* Um, no, I... he, he didn't come through with me. *realizes what this means* But then... he must have... *suddenly really, really happy that he has his Doctor* *smiles too*

Ten: Probably. *can't resist brushing his shoulder slightly* I never did know how to leave well enough alone.

***ONCE MORE, **_**Out**_**side the TARDIS, sick of this yet?***

Three: *did not just spend a long, long time letting the Master kiss him thoroughly* *pulls away* You--you taste... wrong. *leans in for another kiss* And I can't say I approve of the hair *putting his fingers through it in any case*

S!Master: *leans away* Whoa, hold on old man... before you start resembling your 'nifty gadget'... *smirks, but tries not to do it too hurtfully*

Three: *blush of Rassilon* *mumbles* I have no idea what you're talking about...and linearly speaking, YOU would be the old man. *pokejab*

S!Master: Maybe, but I don't LOOK_ my_ age... that kiss was not because I'm attracted to you, even if you are the Doctor, it's because we're going to make our other selves jealous. *grin of triumph*

Three: You... what? *tries not to look hurt* *takes a step back* *awkward liprub is extreeemly awkward* I'm not sure I understand this correctly, you want to...*coughs* display ourselves in order to lure our future regenerations away from each other?

S!Master: And past, yes *evil!grin* No science, no numbers, no way to screw up, and _unbelievable_ satisfaction when it's over *smiles deeply and closes eyes envisioning it*

Three: *Tries not to stare* *fails* *swallows visibly* No, no I'm sure we can find a better way. *a little put off at how little attention he's getting* I'm sure such a contrived plot would work on your younger regeneration, but I hardly think any future version of me could be so terribly... possessive.

S!Master: *opens eyes* You alright old man? You look a little flushed... *glances at TARDIS* And you think so, do you? *grabs the Doctor's head and touches it to his own in order to share one memory in particular...* "I guess you don't know me so well, I _refuse_." "Regenerate, just regenerate! Please, _please!_ Just regenerate! Come on!" *knows the Doctor can feel the anguish of his future self, the desperation* *knows he probably shouldn't have shared that either, but is also fairly sure he'll forget it as quickly as possible* *lets his head go, says nothing*

Three: *staggers back and catches himself on Bessie* *looks up at the Master, is determined not to cry, even though his eyes are burning* Ah... *swallows and clears his throat before continuing with a slightly more steady voice* ...yes, I see.

S!Master: *in a low voice* Now tell me he doesn't want to keep me... *it takes a second for him to realize what he's just said* *smirks slightly*

Three: *closes his eyes and takes a deep, calming breath* *rubs his hands over his eyes, decides that's a bad idea as those stolen memories are still fresh and lets them fall* Yes. He--I...want that. *looks completely defeated and miserable*

S!Master: *painful throb in his chest* *looks up at the Doctor, realizes he's...* *face softens* *approaches the Doctor and places a comforting arm around his shoulders* *still in a low voice* I come back... I _always_ come back... *small grin*

Three: *closes his eyes and nods, letting his head rest on the Master's shoulder for a moment before--* If we're going to go through with this... _plan_ of yours, I suppose there's no time like the present.

S!Master: *smirks* Never has been, never will be... kiss for courage? *is not a patronizing offer, with sly!wink*

Three: *hesitates, looking him in the eye and looking for...something* Oh... alright *not quite sure how to go about it* *leans in slightly*... for Omega's sake *grabs him by the hoodie and pulls him in for a snog*

S!Master: Mmmf! *forgot how spry he was* *pulls away and not gasping for breath just a little* Right then... *pulls the Doctor toward the TARDIS with a little squeeze of the tush*

***BACK INSIDE THE TARDIS!***

D!Master: No, you never did... *laughing despite himself*

Ten: Nor did you, I remember that much *little nudge* like that time with the Daleks--or have you done that yet? *trying not to fall all over him, failing*

D!Master: the Daleks? No, no... *trying hard not to be very conscious of the Doctor's arm around him and his very warm body heat* *turns towards the Doctor impulsively, brushing his thigh accidentally*

Ten: No *raises his eyebrow* No, you wouldn't have *brings his hand down the Master's side* I was so angry, after that. If you hadn't-- well, I don't think it matters anymore. *lowers his voice because, really, the Master's ear is right there... he did have very nice ears in that body* *flicks his tongue out and licks his ear*

D!Master: *any thought that didn't have to do with the Doctor's tongue and mouth were just obliterated* *one hand grabs him firmly by the shoulder and the other rests gently on his thigh* Doctor, we should-- *thought!obliteration*

Ten: *soft, contented little laugh* We really should, *attacks his neck, leaving a few little marks for his younger self to think about* but I didn't, *presses the Master back against the console* I was cruel to you, I didn't see, didn't _think _*sounds thoroughly disgusted with himself* ... *starts trying to remember how on Earth, or off it, one unfastened the Master's outfit*

D!Master: *. . .* *instinctively guides the Doctor's nimble fingers to the buttons, oh, to hell with the rules! RASSILON this felt_ good!_*

***1, 2, 3, **_**4**_*****

Ten: *jumps* *turns wide-eyed to stare at the door* What?!

D!Master: *trying to regain thought* Doctor? What is--?

***1, 2, 3, **_**4**_*****

Ten: _What_?!

***1, 2, 3, **_**4**_*** ***key in latch, turning*

Ten: _**What**_?!

*door swings open* *S!Master lifts back hood, standing next to Three* Hello Doctor. *evil!grin*


	3. The Lovin' Feeling of Evil: Part 2

**Title: **The Lovin' Feeling of Evil

**Authors:** Tu as Ten AND Three, Demon as Simm!Master AND Delgado!Master (written as S!Master and D!Master)

**Rating:** T for jealousy... _lots_ of jealousy

**Summary: **Because 'Time Crash' wasn't enough crack!paradox time… Tu and I have gone slightly madder than usual and given you a DOUBLE paradox of slashy, crack, time-line-breaking WIN. Prepare for your brains to be burnt and your NuWho to be ruined. **BTW, this is turning about to be very M in parts and much longer than we anticipated so, just bear with us ^__^'**

**Warnings:** CRACK!PARADOX(ES), FOURTH-WALL-BREAKAGE, AND SLIGHTLY ILLEGAL MEMORY-SHARING, MAJOR EOT SPOILERS (set immediately after EOT, and for that, it's slightly AU)

**The Council of the Time Lord Slashers has banned this fic on most of the universe and on all planets with intelligent life, as of now, it has officially been purged from the Matrix (along with the biodata of the authors known as Tu and Demon)**

* * *

Three: *eyebrowarch of win* It seems we have a _bit_ of a paradox on our hands.... some of us more than others *innuendo filled smirk*

D!Master: *blush of Rassilon* My dear Doctor, erm... *rebuttons costume* *notices that neither the new Doctor nor, what he assumes is, the new Master, have broken eye contact since they saw each other* *is pretty sure it would be wise not to disturb them*

S!Master: *continues smirking, staring at the Doctor, waits for him to break the silence*

Ten: *has had his focus completely narrowed to the Master--his Master--the Master contemporary to his timeframe* It's... it can't be...it's _you_! But how? You... I thought you...

S!Master: *smirk deepens* Thought I what? *hisses* _Died?_ *invites himself in* You should know me better than that by _now_, Doctor... *totally was not a blatant reference to his earlier self* *is determined not to tell him anything*

Ten: *quietly* Yes. *composing himself and stepping away from the console, determined not to give the Master the satisfaction* Or at the very least trapped in the Time Lock. *awkward pause as he decides whether or not to actually say this* I tried... Once I recovered from… well... Long story. I tried to come back for you.

S!Master: *face softens slightly* *is almost willing to tell him that... but not yet* Oh, _Doctor_... *voice is soft, almost tender* YOU may not have been able to find me *runs back to Three, pulling him out of the doorway, the TARDIS closes herself, annoyed with all this rubbish* but he did! *whispers in Three's ear* go with it.

Three: *brief disbelieving stare* *starts* Yes--yes, I did. Luckily the poor fellow managed to convince me of who he was before I turned him over to Unit. As you can imagine, we had quite a bit to discuss. *little frown* ... *possessive cling to the Master, with a small grope because he can get away with it*

D!Master: *blush of Rassilon* *jealous!pout and not even trying to hide it* *really wished he'd gotten farther with the new Doctor now*

S!Master: *grin* *cover slight blush with a laugh* *nibbles at the older Doctor's ear as an excuse to whisper* Don't push your luck, old man.

Three: *resists urge to scowl* *seriously considering scrapping the plan and dragging his Master out by the ear to go make this up to him*

Ten: *staaares* *pouts* *flails* But--but how! No offense, but our TARDIS wasn't exactly in tiptop shape-- *TARDIS!Grumble* No offense! *pout*

Three: *sputters a bit* It just so happens I found the heart of the paradox-- the eye of the storm, if you will, and managed to follow it. *Will not add that he followed it in Bessie. Ten would laugh :~:*

S!Master: Yes, followed me right along, didn't you? *resists the urge to make a ridiculous sentimental statement that would normally make his Doctor wibble, but would see right through* *wraps an arm around the Doctor's neck and gropes his back just a little as he works his way down Three's neck*

D!Master: *BLUSH OF RASSILON mixed with fury* *splutters slightly and goes to stand next to the newer Doctor* *notices his hands clenching and unclenching, grabs one of them and nods to him as he turns back questioningly*

Ten: *gives the Master's hand a squeeze before turning back to the other two* Master... please, I'm sure we can settle this, find some compromise.

Three: I think the first step would be to return us to our proper timelines *glances at the handhold* *isn't jealous* *really*

Ten: Oh, do I have to?

S!Master: *rolls eyes privately* *nuzzles Three's head as he turns back to his Doctor* *dryly* Yes, Doctor? *smirks, he can see the pang of jealousy and hurt behind his eyes* *no way is he calling it off yet, everything's going perfectly* *notices the handhold* *aww, his poor earlier self can't contain himself, he's so jealous* *well, not that he can blame him, Three never was all that... _affectionate_* *is momentarily disgusted with himself for putting his earlier self through all this torture*

Three: *notices that the Master's tensed up* *runs his hand down the Master's back and gives his side a little, reassuring squeeze* Well, I suppose you don't. The paradox is at least semi stable, at the moment-- what _have_ you been doing with the web of time, old chap, it feels as though it's been stretched to the limit—

Ten: *shifts guiltily* *clings to Delgado!Master* Long story.

Three: I'd imagine so. Still, if you two are so comfortable with each other *hurt glare* I suppose we could work something out...

D!Master: *bites lip* *makes an uncomfortable sound*

S!Master: *laughs quietly, but it gets louder* Oh, come on Doctor, we're all friends here, let's tell it! That wonderful long story of how we killed each other in the end *sparkle of malice*

D!Master: *confused, and slightly scared, eye contact with Three*

Three: *flinches away from the eye contact* *yes, he caught a few strands of something like that while the Master was in his head*

Ten: *slightly panicked, not just for the Time Line* Master---*takes a small, tentative step forward* That's not what happened, and you know it.

D!Master: *straightens up from Three's reaction* Yes, indeed, Master, I rather think not. Because even if what you say is true, though I highly doubt it, we *gesturing to Three and himself* can never hear it. A paradox of this magnitude is bad enough without the sharing of memories we haven't had yet.

S!Master: *rolls eyes* Fine, go on then you two *shoves Three at his proper Master* go play nice together. Me and the other one have something to discuss... *leer*

Ten: *looks extremely worried* Yes, yes, I'm afraid we do, don't we? That's a shame, though, we were just starting to get to know each other. *looking at Delgado!Master* *really, he could just keep him, he was hardly that irredeemably homicidal* Before you're told anything vital about your futures-- spoilers and all that. *still not letting go of that joke, even though no one present gets it*

Three: *stumbles, glares back at Simm!Master* *brushes himself off* A bit late for that, I'm afraid. *humorless smirk* *gestures to Delgado!Master* Well? Are you coming?

D!Master: *eyes their still joint hands, looks tentatively up at Ten* *draws close to him* *it's hard to do this while Three is watching*

S!Master: *sighs audibly* Oh for Rassilon's sake, I didn't mean GO! I meant just go into another room, do something, but the big boy and I have unfinished business.

Three: *shocked and more than a little hurt. He and the Master are enemies, but surely the man wouldn't simply--* Yes. Yes, of course. *cold smile at his older self* I'll just go put the kettle on, shall I?

Ten: Oh, that'd be brilliant! *beams*

Three: *sputters indignantly*

D!Master: *blush of Rassilon* Um, yes, I'll... get the sugar... *wanders a bit aimlessly toward the kitchen, really hoping it's in the same place it was when Three had it*

Three: *reaches out to touch his arm* *stops short of touching him* This way, I think *gestures in the opposite direction from the kitchen on his TARDIS* Call it a hunch.


	4. The Lovin' Feeling of Evil: Part 3

**Title: **The Lovin' Feeling of Evil

**Authors:** Tu as Three, Demon as Delgado!Master (written as D!Master)

**Rating:** T for implied kitchen!secksy-tiem and wibbly!fluff

**Summary: **Because 'Time Crash' wasn't enough crack!paradox time… Tu and I have gone slightly madder than usual and given you a DOUBLE paradox of slashy, crack, time-line-breaking WIN. Prepare for your brains to be burnt and your NuWho to be ruined.

**Warnings:** CRACK!PARADOX(ES), FOURTH-WALL-BREAKAGE, AND SLIGHTLY ILLEGAL MEMORY-SHARING, MAJOR EOT SPOILERS (set immediately after EOT, and for that, it's slightly AU)

**The Council of the Time Lord Slashers has banned this fic on most of the universe and on all planets with intelligent life, as of now, it has officially been purged from the Matrix (along with the biodata of the authors known as Tu and Demon)**

* * *

D!Master: *is really not sure what to do with himself and feels REALLY awkward* Oh... sorry... *follows*

Three: I can't say I appreciate the changes he's made *attempting to make conversation* Coral doesn't suit the old girl--ah, here we are. *ducks into the kitchen*

D!Master: Um, Doctor, I... *isn't sure why he feels guilty after seeing how _intimate_ he was with his newer self, but...* *can't find the words* *gives up and turns the Doctor quickly towards him to peck him on the lips, then lets go*

Three: *tenses up and closes his eyes* *doesn't want to deal with this right now, on top of what he saw in the future-Master's mind-- he shouldn't have to, in any case* *turns away to start digging through a cupboard, trying to keep his voice steady* See if you can find the cream.

D!Master: *isn't sure what he's done wrong* *feels hurt* Yes... of course... *turns to refrigerator* You appeared to be having a grand time with my newer self...

Three: *turns around quickly* *snaps* He's a deranged, unbalanced, psychopathic monster, more so than even you yourself. *dropped the box of teabags he'd been holding*

D!Master: *staaares* *isn't sure what to make of that* *something clicks into place* Is he? *steps closer, with the cream*

Three: *quietly* Yes... *not having this conversation* *retrieves the box* If you were a future regeneration of me, where would you hide the sugar? *flees to the cupboards on the other side of the kitchen*

D!Master: *muttering* in the hardest place to find... *coughs* Um, Doctor *strokes beard nervously* I... I want to apologize for... whatever you might have seen between your future self and me *is very firmly focusing on the toaster NEXT to the Doctor*

Three: Would you? *turning from where he was taking everything systematically out of the sweet-stuff cabinet* Would you really *crosses over to the edge of the Master's personal space* Only after you've been put in your place by this Timeline's proper Master, *leans into the Master's personal space* you didn't seem too uncomfortable breaking Rassilon's laws before then, leaving me stuck with--with _him._

D!Master: *is only just realizing just how much he hurt the Doctor* *doesn't have the words to make this right and REALLY wishing he did* *swallows, like he has a lump in his throat* *unexpectedly, clings to the Doctor and just holds him*

Three: *tenses up* *brings his arms up so he's not-quite holding the Master* What're you doing? *stupid question is stupid, but he can always claim he thought the Master had ulterior motives*

D!Master: *pulls away slightly to look at him* I'm trying to show you how much I... *isn't sure he can say it* *very quietly* And it's just you, it's only you...

Three: *Small, humorless smile* I'm sure you realize that, for all intents and purposes, he IS me. *grimace as he remembers the future Master's memories of his future self* Yes, we're really not so different. *rests his chin on the Master's shoulder without really thinking about it*

D!Master: *cradles Three* *wonders what DID go on between him and the other Master* You, of all people, know what I mean. And, true, he is charming, attractive, and far more affectionate with me than _you'll_ ever be... *is teasing in an attempt to stop Three feeling so low* But he is sorely lacking color, flamboyancy, and that annoying grit and tenacity that you like to use on me so much

Three: *cautious smile* I've found it unwise to approach you in any other manner. *pulls away a little* I may have been... *looking for a wording that won't make it sound like he's apologizing* purposeful in our recent encounters, but I'd hardly call myself unaffectionate. *actually a little worried that the Master sees it that way* *and pouty*

D!Master: *eyebrow!raise* Indeed Doctor... and shall I detail you just how your future self and I greeted each other when I arrived? He was VERY pleased to see me, to my _infinite_ surprise *no need to tell him HOW he arrived*, one could say, even thrilled...

Three: *flinches slightly* I can hardly blame him. *really wishes he wasn't holding onto the Master, it would be easier* From what I've seen, he was separated from his--from you-- rather violently.

D!Master: *frowning deeply* What do you mean? How do you know? Did he... he didn't SHOW you anything, did he? *slightly horrified now*

Three: *nods absentmindedly* Yes, yes I'm afraid he did. *gives The Look* you always were rather cavalier with my mental privacy *trying to brush it off as mind-groping* I'll have to forget it all, of course.

D!Master: *knows there's more to this that the Doctor's not sharing* *is pinned between curiosity and knowing he shouldn't know* *sigh* *well, the Doctor would never tell him anyway* Say no more about it, he shouldn't have showed you it anyway... *trying to comfort him* I'm sure whatever it is isn't _so_ bad...

Three: *tenses up again* Yes, well, as usual you have no idea what you're talking about. *realizes he's still hugging/being hugged by the Master and pulls away* Just as you never stop to think of the consequences

D!Master: *THOUGHT he just fixed this* Doctor you realize whatever _he's_ done, _I_ didn't do... how can you hold me accountable for something I had no way of committing? And you said so yourself, he was a deranged, unbalanced, psychopathic monster... worse than me, I recall. *sigh* Just tell me what he... what _I_ did?

Three: I think it would be easier if I showed you, hmm? *pulls him close again and presses his hand against his temple* *not going to force him, not even if he is still angry*

D!Master: *nods* Show me

Three: *closes his eyes and drops the numerous mental shields he's been putting up since Simm!Master decided to just waltz in* *drags him in* "One little bullet, come on" "I guess you don't know me so well, I _refuse_." "Regenerate, just regenerate! Please, _please!_ Just regenerate! Come on!" *clings to the Master more tightly, leaning into him and pressing him back against the drawers*

D!Master: *almost falls in shock, is grateful for the Doctor clinging to him and shoving him against the cupboard* *clings back* *wants it to end, but it won't* "And spend... the rest of my life, imprisoned, with _you?_" "But you've got to! Come on. It can't end like this. You and me, all the things we've done? Axons! Remember the Axons? And the Daleks. We're the only two left. There's no one else... REGENERATE!" *is pretty sure he's crying now, this is just too painful* "Heh ... how about that? I _win_." *forces the Doctor away* STOP! *gasping* *immediately clutches the Doctor back* *trembling in shock and pain, it just hurt too much...*

Three: *grabs onto the Master, pulls him close* *clings so tightly he almost loses his grip on the Master's suit and starts kissing his hair and down his neck* It's alright... *wants to apologize but is still too shaken himself* it's over

D!Master: *hoarsely* How could I... how could _we_...? *cannot conceive of ANY situation where he'd pick _death_ over the Doctor... _his_ Doctor...*

Three: *fiercely, still kissing him* You _won't_, I won't let you *starts pulling at his tie*

D!Master: *kisses him back, through the tears* *grabs at the Doctor's velvet jacket, shoving it off him*

Three: *grabs his wrists and makes a quick but complex knot with the tie* You're coming with me, and you're going to stay with me and stay out of trouble. *trying to sound his usual authoritative self, despite the way his voice is shaking*

D!Master: *smiles, in sharp contrast to the terrified panic and sorrow in his eyes* Promise you'll stop me... *quietly, and this is why he's scared* I don't think I'll be able to stop myself...

Three: *actually laughs a little, leaning in to steal another kiss-- Simm!Master didn't touch him nearly enough* I will, I always will. *indulges in a little nuzzle* My own best enemy, how could I refuse?

D!Master: *closes his eyes and just enjoys the moment* *ignores the rising drums in the back of his head*


	5. The Lovin' Feeling of Evil: Part 4

**Title: **The Lovin' Feeling of Evil

**Authors:** Tu as Ten, Demon as Simm!Master (written as S!Master)

**Rating:** T for nommy!kisses and spoilers

**Summary: **Because 'Time Crash' wasn't enough crack!paradox time… Tu and I have gone slightly madder than usual and given you a DOUBLE paradox of slashy, crack, time-line-breaking WIN. Prepare for your brains to be burnt and your NuWho to be ruined.

**Warnings:** CRACK!PARADOX(ES), FOURTH-WALL-BREAKAGE, AND SLIGHTLY ILLEGAL MEMORY-SHARING, MAJOR EOT SPOILERS (set immediately after EOT, and for that, it's slightly AU)

**The Council of the Time Lord Slashers has banned this fic on most of the universe and on all planets with intelligent life, as of now, it has officially been purged from the Matrix (along with the biodata of the authors known as Tu and Demon)**

**

* * *

**

***Meanwhile, back in the NON-wibbley!control room***

Ten: *after waiting 'til he's SURE their younger selves are busy with the tea-making (and whatever else they might get up to, ah, to be young...)* How-- no, why--no, I was right the first time, _HOW?_! *starts over towards the Master but stops, realizing that it might not be safe to provoke him, and he's still feeling a bit wobbly from the radiation* What were you THINKING, walking into a paradox like that, even you-- EVEN you should have enough respect for the timeline to know better.

S!Master: *grins because he's just so damn happy to see Ten* *didn't hear a WORD he just said and really doesn't care because he's snogging the life out of Ten and definitely not giving him another chance to speak* *has rammed the Doctor against the TARDIS wall and kissing him passionately, with just the mildest electrical shock in there*

Ten: Mnnmmf! *grabs onto the Master's hoodie and, after giving in and letting himself be ravaged for a few minutes, shoves him away* *flushed, breathing more heavily than he should* Oh... *slightly goofy grin* didja miss me? *trying to grab onto that nice righteous indignation he had going a moment ago*

S!Master: *smirk of winnage* You didn't REALLY think I'd gone and left you to die like that, did you? But I had to get those two in here and together and I couldn't let them think that we, especially _you_, that we had finally made up and that I had become Mr. Nice Guy *is definitely not explaining himself to Ten because he feels responsible to him and slightly guilty for hurting him like he did* *DEFINITELY not, he's doing it because he's an egotist and likes to have his own _masterful_ plans praised*

Ten: I did. *willing to let the Master explain himself, and trying not to break his face grinning* For-- ooh, about two point three-five microspans-- three-nine if you count the time I spent avoiding a painful, unnecessary regeneration *plays with the edge of the Master's hoodie* After that I assumed you'd escaped the Time Lock and looked... *sheepish, apologetic wibbly face* I _did_ look.

S!Master: *swallows* *can't STAND that look really* *quietly* I know you did... So what DID happen after I'd followed the old, stuck-up bat into the shiny whiteness? *fingers one of Ten's sideburns* Something about almost regenerating... you look awful, by the way *wry!grin*

Ten: *isn't ashamed to lean into his touch a little, closing his eyes* Mhm, do I? A lethal dose of radiation will do that, just ask my Fourth.

S!Master: *ignores that comment* Well you're certainly not strong enough to give anything _back_... *significant look* should I carry you to the bed and play nurse until you're well enough for a wittle kiss? *teasing!pout*

Ten: Oh, you'd like that *grabs onto his shirt and steals another quick kiss* No, if anyone's going to be playing Doctor here, I think it should be me *grins at his own HORRIBLE joke*

S!Master: *rolls eyes and acts like he didn't find that just a little funny* Alright then, _Doctor_, what's the diagnosis, hmm? Bed-ridden for... 3 weeks? 6 months? *evil!glitter in his eyes* _The whole year? _*leer of Rassilon*

Ten: *not letting himself be intimidated by that leer* Oh, at least *frowns* FIRST thing's first, though, I'd like to take a look at you-- *catches himself before the Master can run away with the innuendo* A medical one, to see if we can't sort out your little pikachu-problem *worried frown which contrasts with the lame pokemon reference*

S!Master: *sighs* *lets go of him and notices the Doctor has to catch his balance and support himself on the TARDIS before straightening up* You're not exactly the picture of perfect health either. What. Happened. *it's not a question, even if it's solely out of concern, just avoiding regeneration is not a thing to be taken lightly. Rassilon only know how much HE struggled to hold it off*

Ten: *brushing it off* Oh, you know, the usual, saving a friend from certain death *hand-waves and tries not to look vaguely nauseous* If I asked you what happened in the time lock, would you tell me?

S!Master: *grimace!pout* You are GOING to be difficult about this, aren't you? I don't see what's so bad about it *shrugs, looking away* It's not the first time I've nursed you back to health after certain death *wink* Pity I don't have a stick of celery on me at the moment...

Ten: *blush* I don't know what you're talking about *going to claim regeneration induced amnesia if he brings that up again* And, yes, I plan on being exceedingly difficult *dazzling smile that he knows he does so well this time around* I've been told I'm good at it

S!Master: *taps lip* I don't know, Three might have you licked on difficulty. You have NO idea what I had to do to get him to play along with that... *dripping with innuendo* *mischievous!sparkle in his eyes, just loves making Ten jealous, really*

Ten: You shouldn't have gotten him involved. *disapproving frown* *fairly jealous, he remembers how obsessive the Master was about that particular regeneration*

S!Master: *laughs* But, my DEAR Doctor *purposely stealing his former self's catch-phrase* I HAD to... after all he came ALL this way for _me_, and after I saw you with the rubbish!beard, it was hardly _fair_ to him... *hopes the Doctor misses the vague jealousy that he just implied*

Ten: *swallowed HEAVILY at that "dear Doctor", it's been lifetimes since he called him that* *keeping himself composed and trying not to seem too terribly (desperately) jealous* No, now, why do I doubt that fairness was the first thing on your mind. *knowing look* You always did like tormenting my Third.

S!Master: *smirks* I might have had ulterior motives for using him... he's a fantastic kisser, by the way. *is a MAJOR tease*

Ten: *wide eyed, horrified look* You _didn't_!

S!Master: *smirk deepens* Oh _yes_ I did... a _lot_...

Ten: *tries not to look hurt* *looks hurt* And he _let_ you? Oh, that doesn't sound like me at all. *small, tired smirk* You're bluffing!

S!Master: I am not! You can walk right into the kitchen and ask him *listens carefully* though I don't think just _now_ would be a good time...

Ten: What do-- *stops and listens* Oh no... *dark, worried look* *pushes away from the TARDIS and starts walking purposefully towards the door* I've got to stop them...*determined, worried and blaming the Master for all of this*

S!Master: *darts in front of Ten* I wouldn't do that... *pushes him back lightly*

Ten: *stumbles back but manages to catch himself* *glares at the Master, how can he be so calm about this* If they kill each other now we'll both blink out of existence.

S!Master: Kill...? *starts laughing* Oh, Doctor, that's the LAST thing either of them are thinking about, they're _making up._ *embraces the Doctor affectionately and kisses him gently*

Ten: *shrugs him off, unconvinced* No, no I've--*hears a shout* *Wide eyed dart to the door* What was THAT, then?! "Making up", I've heard making up and *another unpleasant sounding noise* And _that_ is not making up—

S!Master: *frowns slightly, turning towards the kitchen* Oh, that's not supposed to happen... *realizes what Three must have done* Aw, now why'd he go and do a thing like that? *pouts*

Ten: *whirls around, furious that the Master is so calm about the situation* *grabs him by the shoulders* Do a thing like what? What did you _do?!_ Master, maybe you don't care that right now we're this close *measures out just how close with his thumb and forefinger* to a paradox that will pull us and a good chunk of reality out of--well, out of reality, but I do and I intend to stop them. *lets him go and storms towards the kitchen*

S!Master: *will NOT be talked to like that, NOT right now* *pulls the back of the Doctor's suit jacket, spinning him back into his arms* *kisses him angrily* Do you really think I care that little for our lives? _Trust me!_ *snogs him ardently, before pulling away, chuckling* Well, failing that, at least let me tell you the good news, in all this confusion, I haven't had a chance to tell you...

Ten: *a little dazed but still trying to push him away half heartedly* Tell me... tell me what? *eyes darting worriedly to the Master's for the first time* *looks worriedly towards the kitchen*

S!Master: *whispers in his ear* _The drums are gone..._ *dips him very low and kisses down his gorgeous neck*

Ten: Uhnnm-- *lets his head fall back so the Master can do more of _that _before what he just said really registers* * I-- I-- you _**what?! **_*grabs the Master's hair, pulling away and looking into his eyes* How?! When--HOW?! *has both hands against his head and is a heartsbeat away from just slipping in to see if it's true*

S!Master: *brilliant grin* Just because I got sucked back into the Time Lock, doesn't mean I didn't manage to kill Rassilon. They're gone, totally and completely... *is a little frightened of the freedom in his mind now, actually*

Ten: *stroking the Master's temples a little now, absentmindedly* They're gone-- Rassilon's gone...? *trying to take it all in* and the drums are gone, really gone? *resists adding "and you're still here"* *stroking down the sides of his face more blatantly, closing his eyes*

S!Master: *obediently puts his head to the Doctor's* *can't help thinking at him* _'See? Nothing...'_

Ten: *cups his hand under his chin and pulls him in a little closer, pressing a kiss against his lips* '_not nothing'_

Demon: Awwww!

Ten: *pulls away abruptly* What?

Tu: I agree completely, awww

Ten: What?!

S!Master: *staaaaare* Doctor... *pulls him up*

Demon: Uh-oh, Tu I think we're in trouble...

Tu: They've spotted us! I look awful in spots... Shall we make a run for it?

Ten: **What**?!


	6. The Lovin' Feeling of Evil: Part 5

**Title: **The Lovin' Feeling of Evil

**Authors:** Tu as Ten AND Three, Demon as Simm!Master AND Delgado!Master (written as S!Master and D!Master)

**Rating:** T+, simply beacuse I fear for the sanity of the rest of the universe... O__o

**Summary: **Because 'Time Crash' wasn't enough crack!paradox time… Tu and I have gone slightly madder than usual and given you a DOUBLE paradox of slashy, crack, time-line-breaking WIN. Prepare for your brains to be burnt and your NuWho to be ruined.

**Warnings:** CRACK!PARADOX(ES), FOURTH-WALL-BREAKAGE, AND SLIGHTLY ILLEGAL MEMORY-SHARING, MAJOR EOT SPOILERS (set immediately after EOT, and for that, it's slightly AU)

**The Council of the Time Lord Slashers has banned this fic on most of the universe and on all planets with intelligent life, as of now, it has officially been purged from the Matrix (along with the biodata of the authors known as Tu and Demon)**

* * *

Demon: Erm, I think it's too late for that... *stares back at S!Master and Ten* *attempts to do the awkward!neckrub thing...* *but CAN'T because of the MASSIVE COLLARS* *sigh* WHY did you make us wear these?

Tu: It's traditional. If we're going to meddle we have to wear traditional meddling robes.

Ten: Oi, those are my robes!--well, sort of-- they were in my wardrobe!

S!Master: *snorts*

Demon: *snorts too*

S!Master: O_o *staaaaaaaaare*

Demon:Erg... I've done it again *facepalms*

Tu: Oi, stop it

Ten: Oi, stop-- hey. *frowns* How did you two get in here?

Demon: UM... interesting story actually! ^^; Uh... well, to tell it, you'd better call the other two in here as well... *realizes she shouldn't have known that* oh... whoops...

Three: *running in, buttoning his shirt and calling behind him* Hurry up, I didn't tie it that tight-- *attempting to regain his composure* What's this? What's happening-- what are those? *stares upwards* The Time Lords--?!

Demon: BWA HA HA HA! *rofls* *well, nearly rofls... there's no 'f' to rofl on really...* *will stop typing now*

Tu: *nudges* stopit *to Three* I'm afraid not...uhm... spoilers *awkward shifting*

D!Master: *follows after* *still in bondage with his own tie* I don't see why we had to... *stares up* *immediately hides behind Three*

Tu: *Snerks* oh my

Ten: WHAT were you--?! No, never mind. I think I have some idea...

Demon: I'm sorry, I'm sorry *sniffs* I promise, it's not your fault... but... BWA HA HA! *cries on Tu's shoulder* *realizes D!Master is in the room now* ooh! Rubbish!beard! *squee*

S!Master: *snerk* *at both the fake!Time Ladies and his earlier regeneration*

Three: A what? *looks behind him in confusion* ... *smirks* well, only slightly-- and who are you to be *was going to say "to be making fun of his facial hair"* --to be here.

Ten: Yes, who are you and how did you get in here-- I really do need to get the shields checked, first my fifth, then your first *points at the Master(s)* now ... _this._

D!Master: *pouts* *whoever these people are, he doesn't like them* *attempts to untie the tie still behind Three's back* *would really love the newer Doctor's sonic screwdriver for this job* *maybe he can steal it momentarily...*

S!Master: *sizes up the two girls... women... ladies* Hmm... two female meddlers dressed in Time Lord traditional garb... you two are slashers.

Tu: Oh, he's good. *leers* very good

Demon: *slight jawdrop* *beams* Oh, you ARE good... *to Tu* isn't he good? I want one of him! :3

Three: *takes pity on the Master's flailing* Oh-- come here *grabs the Master's wrists and unties the knot quickly-- really, he was probably playing it up for the attention*  
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, _no pets_

D!Master: *pouts*

Demon: ...what is he talking about? *gestures to Three* If he's talking to me, I hardly think he can tell me I can't have Simm!Master if I want and oh... no, I've done it again, haven't I? Just get out the duct tape... *sits down on the nonexistent floor*

Everyone in the room except Tu: *STAAAAAAARE*

Tu: Don't worry about it, this happens... more often than it should *whips out the box o' ducttape* pink, neon green, or blue?

S!Master: Hang on, what did she mean? Who's... *even though he knew they were slashers, is possibly more confused than all of them right now*

Demon: Aw, don't worry your pretty little head over it Master *corrects self* it's just slasher jibberish... neon green please, I'm feeling very Six today. *as long as she's screwed up, be cryptic with STYLE... or lack thereof*

Ten: "Six"

Tu: Really, don't worry about it, *passes the ducttape*

Ten: D'you remember my sixth? *grins at Simm!Master*

Three: Your sixth what? Regeneration? Which one are you then? Rassilon, we've gotten careless... and young

S!Master: *groans* What a nightmare he was... *to Three* and, yes, he has rather... *smirks* *fondles Ten's bum not quite as subtly as Ten would like*

D!Master: *is trying not to envision progressively younger Doctors...*

Ten: *twitch* Stopit *doesn't move away*

Tu: Oh... uhm. *blush* We'll be out of your way in a mo

Three: *prods Delgado!Master*

Demon: *stifles a giggle and tries not to drool too obviously over her bird's eye view of S!Master groping Ten*

D!Master: Hmm? Oh, um... *blush of Rassilon*

Demon: *really can't stifle a giggle now* Oh, we're never getting out of here without screwing up SOMETHING! *cackles madly*

S!Master: *smirks, because he approves of the mad cackle* *nibbles at Ten's ear lobe*

Three: "Uhm"? *little scowl* *can't really be mad at him after the day he's had*

Tu: Worse than we already have? *prods* be serious, we're trying NOT to warp reality more than we already have, remember?

Demon: *bites lip watching S!Master* *is pretty sure he's doing it on purpose, after all, he knew they were slashers* yeah, but... *whimpers* can't we just _stay?_ *whines*

Tu: *holds onto own robe* *Cryptic* Someday, we shall come back. Yes, we shall come back--

Ten: *squirms, trying to ignore the Master*

Three: That sounds awfully familiar, my dear... *frowns*

Demon: But-but! *clings to this reality* It's so nice here... and he wants me here! *pouts and points at Simm!Master*

S!Master: *grins, but acts like he doesn't know what she's talking about* *retreats behind Ten to lick his neck*

D!Master: *really, he's focusing on the not-Time Ladies, he swears...*

Ten: That's as may be, but YOU--ack, do you mind *squirms a bit away from the Master* You two don't belong here and we--hee! hey, that tickles -- have some things to *snicker!cling* discuss! *squeaks a bit at the end of the sentence*

Three: For once, I have to agree with me.

Demon: *is mentally high-five-ing S!Master and cheering him on* OH! And we still haven't explained the plot holes! HA! PLOT REASON FOR BEING HERE! *grin of triumph*

Tu: Do we really? I like leaving them guessing, they're so CUTE when they're confused

Three: Excuse me--

Ten: Now see here-- *glares at Three*

Demon: Well... *sees the Ten!confused-face, just before he steals Three's catch phrase to use against him* *weak-knees* MMMmmm...

S!Master: *looks up* Oy! You don't get to 'MMMmmm...' my Doctor! *clutches possessively*

Demon: *pouts*

D!Master: *kisses Three's neck unexpectedly, just to reassure him that he's still there*

Three: *jump!flails and almost hits him* Ah--Oh.

Tu: Aww, young love.

Three: Young what?! Listen, what are you two here for again?

Ten: *still hung up on the "My Doctor" comment*

Demon: *sigh* We're slashers, specifically, well... YOU TWO slashers... *is unsure how much is safe to tell them*

Tu: Yes, you, Doctor and your... well, your Master. *little grin*

Three: *looking a little confused/disturbed* you don't say

Demon: *is distracted by the adorable!shock face on Ten* AWWWWWWWW! *pokes Tu*

Tu: I don't know why he's surprised, the Master's always seemed possessive

S!Master: *rolls eyes* I know, but he gets like this... half a tic *passionately kisses Ten, making everyone in the room blush*

Demon: Right, ANYWAY *focuses back on Three as Ten comes to with a gasp reminiscent of Jack Harkness* We... um... we basically screw with reality and make things happen, so you guys don't realize what we're doing *grins* that is, until reality decides to take revenge and do stuff like this... *gestures to their random appearance in the middle of the air* I'd like to say the clothing was reality's fault too, but it's hers... *points at Tu*

Tu: Me?! You're equally responsible! We could have just edited out our little mistake but _nooooooo._ *turns her attention back to the Time Lords* think of us as your own, personal ...sort of reddish-orangey brown Guardians, here messing with your timelines and giving you timely shoves in the right direction.

Demon: *winks in a disgustingly flirtatious way at Ten* Meh, possibly... and you know that once it's written in the *coughs* _cosmic script _it can't be UNwritten *judgment!brow* So I could hardly fix it, could I?

Tu: It hasn't stopped us before *little pout* Anyway--

Ten: Hold on, now, just for a moment-- no! *gestures* No-zzp! There, now, assuming we take you at your word, just what are you planning on doing about the ... situation?

Demon: AH! *mad!grin* *slips on brainy specs* *looks WAY too much like Ten*

Tu: Oh, now you've done it, the brainyspecs

Three: ... brainyspecs?

Tu: Spoilers!

Demon: HEE! Blame him *points at Ten* *bouncy on the balls of her feet, ALSO way too much like Ten* Now, D, err... older, um, younger Master! Beardy!

D!Master: *pout of indignation* I refuse to be addressed as such! *turns away*

Three: That is _not_ one of his names *hand on Delgado!Master's shoulder* *frowns*

Demon: Aw, come on, work with me here! I have to distinguish you from the OTHER Master, and I can't call you what I would normally call you because... um... well... something significantly WORSE than spoilers, so just, um... ORIGINAL Master, there, that's respectable, right?

D!Master: *raises judgment!brow* Yes?

Ten: ... there's always Blondie *couldn't resist* *gives Simm!master a little grope to show he didn't mean it*

Demon: *winks at Ten* Oh, just wait till I get to buzzkill over there *snickers* Okay, yes, good, you! You appeared in T--- ah, the hell with it, in Ten's TARDIS out of the blue, am I right?

S!Master: *angry!pout* *is not okay with these nicknames*

Ten: *jumps in* *answers for him* That's right, just *sound effect with his mouth* and there he was.

Demon: *privately thanks Ten for that for reasons he will never understand* Okay, well, that was actually me royally screwing up in the cosmic script...

Tu: I helped *beams*

Demon: So, OM is pretty set and um, comfortable with Ten, when whoop! Out of no where comes blondie-bear! *laughs at her own bad joke* Aw, come on, anyone, anyone...? "Blondie-bear!" No...? *sigh*

Tu: *pets* There, there, let's just move on, shall we?

Three: Yes, let's, but you're forgetting that before that he-- _Blondie_ *loving this* found me.

Demon: Yes, yes, I'm getting there, I'm getting there... *feels like Tim Curry in Clue* Ah, yes it was Three, very astute! And I have to go back before then because... anyone have a clue how the Mr. Master got here?

S!Master: *grins* *MUCH prefers THAT nickname*

Demon: Anyone...? Ten? S... Not-Original-Master? *snickers slightly*

Ten: *gives him a little pinch* Well? I'd like to hear this one myself.

S!Master: *coughs* I um... *quietly* I don't actually know...

Demon: *to Tu* How did you not get that? Original Master, Not-Original-Master, OM... NOM... NOM...? *giggles*

Tu: *sigh* *eyebrow rub* Yes, I'm _trying_ not to encourage you in your disturbing acronyms *pets*

Ten: You don't? *looks worried*

Demon: Hee! *blush* Not in front of THOSE two though *snicker* And, no, no he doesn't, doesn't have a clue, and you know why? *really sounds WAY TOOO EFFING MUCH LIKE TEN for her own good* *and LOVES it*

Ten: No, no we don't *holding onto his Master protectively* Buuuuut I have a feeling you're going to tell us

Demon: *manic!grin* Aw, I love having you in the room to know where I'm going with this...

Tu: *cough* amongotherreasons*cough*

Demon: *blush of Rassilon* *short glare at Tu* Well, guess what? Oh, me again! *little hand-wave reminiscent of S!Master's in Utopia... but only he knows that* Yep, pulled you out of the Time Lock and everything, just so you two could be together... *covers her one heart with her hand and smiles at the fluff* But what happened then? Three! *dramatic point at the Third Doctor*

Tu: *pouts* Can you blame me? I like Three. Just be glad it wasn't Five...

Ten: Aw, I like Five!

Tu: You stay out of this!

Demon: Well, no, I meant for him to say what happened, but yeah, you covered it! THEN THREE HAPPENED! ONOES IT'S A DOUBLE PARADOX OF WIN! And Three has his TARDIS, and Bessie, to take him and Original Master home in, Not-Original-Master can stay here, drumless, which was not my fault, you did that on your own, with Ten, who LIVES, DAMNIT, and Tu and I go home and EVERYBODY LIVES! *could not not say it* *collapses from the energy she spent going at Ten-pace*

Tu: *catches* *pets* Now, what did we say about your Doctor-rants? You're going to get yourself tongue-tied -- LITTERALLY-- one of these days

Three: Then...we can simply... leave? *nervous glance at D!Master*

Demon: *sigh* Dying in your arms, happy now? *snickers* *is SHOT*

EVERYONE IN THE ROOM: *STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE*

Ten: .... *WIBBLE*

Three:... *clings to his Master* Oh, no, we're not doing that again :c

S!Master: *jaw drop of Rassilon*

D!Master: *clings back* *wibble*

Ten: You... You two need to _leave_

Demon: Couldn't agree more, BYE! *has successfully ticked off everyone in the room* *is rather proud*


	7. The Lovin' Feeling of Evil: Part 6

**Title: **The Lovin' Feeling of Evil

**Authors:** Tu as Ten AND Three, Demon as Simm!Master AND Delgado!Master (written as S!Master and D!Master)

**Rating:** T+ for *ahem* leading up to... that is... *akward!neck-rub that was ganked from Three*

**Summary: **Because 'Time Crash' wasn't enough crack!paradox time… Tu and I have gone slightly madder than usual and given you a DOUBLE paradox of slashy, crack, time-line-breaking WIN. Prepare for your brains to be burnt and your NuWho to be ruined.

**Warnings:** CRACK!PARADOX(ES), FOURTH-WALL-BREAKAGE, AND SLIGHTLY ILLEGAL MEMORY-SHARING, MAJOR EOT SPOILERS (set immediately after EOT, and for that, it's slightly AU)

**The Council of the Time Lord Slashers has banned this fic on most of the universe and on all planets with intelligent life, as of now, it has officially been purged from the Matrix (along with the biodata of the authors known as Tu and Demon)**

* * *

Three: *lets go of his Master* *straightens his jacket* Yes. I believe it's time for us to leave as well... for the sake of the Time Line, if nothing else *little smile at Ten* Oh my, things do change.

S!Master: *hopes Ten doesn't ask him how the other two know the significance of that*

D!Master: *draws a calming breath* It's been... an unforgettable experience...

Ten: *glances at the Master in a "we'll talk about this LATER" sort of way* It usually is. Still-- could have been worse, eh? *too happy about the lack of drums and presence of the Master to stay too mopey* None the worse for wear and-- as omnipotent Guardians from another reality go, they weren't all that bad... really... *notices the looks he's getting* ....much?

S!Master: Well... in defense of the crazy one... *catches the looks from Three and the younger Master* *defeated!sigh* Fine *says nothing, but won't admit to hating them either*

D!Master: Doctor, I believe we have unfinished business to take care of and I for one would like to finish it as quickly as possible *tugging on his shirt sleeve*

S!Master: *snickers at very transparent metaphor* I'd listen to him Doctor

Three: *hmmfs* *reallly doesn't like agreeing with him* Yes, well, *still has the bondage!Tie in one hand* *coughs* It wouldn't do to leave Bessie sitting too long-- the twenty-first century has no respect for delicate things. Remember, Doctor, where—

Ten: There's life, there's hope? Yes, yes, I know *clings to his Master*

Three: ... I was going to tell you, where I'd put your sugar, it's on the top shelf, next to the sink

D!Master: *mutters* Hardest place to find...

Three: *pinches him* *is mature, really* \

D!Master: Ow... *looks up at his Doctor, eyebrow raise of suspicion/arousal*

S!Master: *remembers that look* *grin*

Three: *looks back at him with a wicked grin* *clears his throat and turns his attention back to the other two* As I was saying... *warmer smile, his Tenth doesn't seem so bad after all... not nearly as insufferable as the Clown* good bye

D!Master: My dear Doctor... *apologetic little look to Three* *smiles slightly* *isn't really sure what to say* *glances at the newer Master* Well, I certainly hope that he can give you as much trouble as I gave you... *wink* *is not an obvious metaphor*

S!Master: *proud smirk*

Ten: *blush covered by a grin* And you two stay out of trouble! Avoid the usual, Cybermen, Daleks--oops, uhm. Well. *neckrub he stole from Three* Yes. See you soon.

Three: Not too soon

D!Master: *nudging Three out the door* *this is taking WAY too long* *had forgotten how much the Doctor liked pontificating*

Three: *good-natured grumbling* I'm going, I'm going, don't shove--! *fond smile as he shuts the TARDIS door, giving the old girl a pet* Oh my. That was...

D!Master: *dryly* More fun than you ever want to have again? My thoughts exactly. *standing a _little_ closer than he really _has_ to*

Three: *laughs* I was going to say "quite an experience". I can't say I look forward to *sound of something falling over in the TARDIS, followed by a moan* ... _that_

D!Master: *looks at the TARDIS* *eyebrow raise reminiscent of the Brig* Yes, he is a bit... well... *adjusts Three's collar* No need to worry about him for a LONG time...

Three: *eyebrow wrinkle* Yes... *leans a little towards him, as though he'd like to grab him close again but can't quite make himself do it* Yes, that's what troubles me. *distant look* I suppose time must change all things according to their place in the web of time...

Demon: Indeed, it does, doesn't it? *climbing out of a bush* Ow... never land in a bush... bad idea...

D!Master: *jawdrop of Rassilon* YOU again?!

Three: Oh, no, what do you want? *hands on hips* Haven't you caused enough trouble? I'm not sure where you come from, young lady, but if you were Gallifreyan, interference on this level would land you in exile, at the very least

Demon: Yeah, and don't think I'm getting off scot-free as it is *nervous backwards glance* *has changed out of the ridiculous robes and is now in what the 21st century would consider 'normal' clothes* Look, I'm not here to cause any more trouble, I'm actually here to help, if you can believe me...

Three: *crossed arms, expectant bitchtastic look of doom* I'm listening.

D!Master: *frowning* where's the other one?

Demon: Tu's covering for me at the High Council of the Time Lord Slashers... and knicking a TARDIS *evil!grin* Sound familiar?

Three: *frowns* *flails* not in the least. Do continue, you said you wanted to _help._

Demon: *sigh* What S... what the other Master showed you... you CAN'T know it. Sooner or later that memory WILL be erased, I just thought I'd come back here and do it sooner for you now... you don't have to remember anything that happened, the paradox, none of it... I'd ask the other two as well, but, um... well, they have other priorities *grin*

Three: *NOT thinking about what those priorities might be* You want to take our memories? *not okay with that for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being what the Time Lords did to him* My dear, I rarely allow anyone access to my mind. I'm well aware of the danger to the timeline, but surely-- *fleeting glance over at the Master* surely some arrangement could be made

Demon: *heavy sigh* Normally, it's not a problem, like the other paradox Ten talked about *nodding to D!Master* that was COMPLETELY internalized for one thing, and it actually allowed the normal time line to continue, but... not this one. Basically, it comes down to this... what happens in that memory CAN. NOT. CHANGE.

Three: *nods sadly* Yes, yes according to Rassilon's laws and the web of time, it already has happened and may not be changed. Not without severe consequences...*looking at the Master* *thinking it over, they are both Time Lords after all...* No, no, of course. The memory will have to be suppressed, at least until after the event in question *Not going to think about it, really not going to... wibbles* It's for the best. *at least he won't have to deal with it*

D!Master: *seeing the conclusion he's come to* Doctor! You can't be serious! Of course it can be changed!

Demon: It can't. It... *with pain* has to happen that way. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I wish it didn't, but you saw what he looked like, he didn't change his hair color just for the hell of it... something happened, something else MUST happen between you two and... *looking down* your death is the only way it can happen.

Three: *suddenly extremely protective* Now see here-- I'm as protective, no, MORE protective of the Time Line as any Time Lord, and I understand what you're saying but after what we saw... *pained expression*

Demon: I know, I KNOW. And, despite the problems it's caused, I'm GLAD he showed you... *grinning slightly* You two, after all the fruitless struggling, to see you even with the tiniest glimpse of... *almost glowing with fluffiness for them* *defeated sigh* If... if you PROMISE to let me erase everything... I CAN show you why I have to erase it... what happens later... You don't want to see all of it though, well... maybe you do, seeing them like this... *grins slightly again*

D!Master: *really, really, is LESS okay with these memories being erased than the Doctor is* I wouldn't risk it Doctor... *because he would be losing one of the few times when they weren't fighting*

Three: *reaches out for his arm to give it a small squeeze* We don't have much of a choice, I'm afraid-- but I have a counter offer. Let the Master handle this. He's highly skilled in matters of the mind and more than capable of placing a temporary lock on the memories in question, one that would last until we are them *gestures* I've had my mind twisted and tugged at by strangers more often than you can imagine and, if possible, I would like to have this memory survive.

Demon: Uh... at this point, I don't think it's really up to me... *looking at Delgado!Master with a little terror and... pity, but trying to hide it*

D!Master: *blanched* WHAT Doctor? You want me to... you can't be serious!

Three: *annoyed sputter* I am _perfectly _serious! *lets a little of the hurt he's feeling, both at the prospect of losing...this... and the idea that the Master doesn't want back inside his head* Are you saying you won't do it?

D!Master: Never, I refuse to do it! *angry!pout* *in a low voice* Doctor... do you realize what _we'll_ be losing... *hissing* you _promised!_

Demon: *tries not to listen in, out of respect*

Three: *takes him by the shoulder and pulls him away to have a PRIVATE talk* Listen, I'm no more eager to go through... _that_ than you are, but the Time Line is at stake. *is willing, as usual, to sacrifice Them for the greater good* I would rather have you do this, and have the chance to remember it in my future regeneration than let that..._her_ in my mind. *deep breath* ...*plays his last card* I trust you.

D!Master: *sharp intake of breath* *can't really refuse him now* It's... it's not _that_ I'm really worried about... terrible as it is, I've reconciled myself that what must happen, must... but losing this whole night... *eye contact of desperation* Doctor, don't ask me to do that.

Three: *wavers* Master... *reaches out to touch his cheek with the back of his knuckles* It won't be lost, more like... temporarily misplaced.

D!Master: *sighs, shuddering* *very quietly* Fine... fine, I'll do it, but first... *begging, and he never begs*

Three: *softly* Yes? *trying not to feel guilty for yet another manipulation, he really has been rather unfair to the poor man, all things considered...*

D!Master: *a subtleWIN eye-shift to the tie haphazardly stuffed into the Doctor's pocket*

Three: ...*blush* *quiet!yelling* youcan'tbeserious!

D!Master: You're asking me to give up the chance of having any more of this... *significant!look* When you no longer remember how we came to be reconciled as we are now, do you really think you'll let me just waltz into your TARDIS? Or within ten light years of you? *tries not to sound defeated and hurt*

Three: *tries not to show that, yes, he knows and, yes, it hurts* Oh, very well, just be sure you remember to deal with our memories once we're... done. *pulls the tie out and grabs a hold of one of the Master's wrists* I don't know how you can lay all the blame at my feet *grabs for his other wrist, leaning in for a kiss* our animosity was... IS...mutual-- *turns to look at Demon, working on his knot* Would you mind? We're a bit busy.

Demon: *trying not to beam with pride* Um, 'fraid I can't do that Doctor. Though I daresay you ARE busy... *stifles a snicker* No, I have to make SURE those memories are gone... and even if I could trust you both, which I don't any more than I'm sure you trust me, who's going to take care of the Master's mind? Or were you planning to carry this endless pain and anguish with you eternally?

D!Master: *blush of Rassilon* *ignoring her thoroughly*

Three: Nonsense, self-induced amnesia is a schoolboy trick *stroking the Master's wrist absentmindedly* And one he employed more often than most, he'll be quite alright.

D!Master: *whispering* Still deciding to trust me, are you?

Demon: *grinning* Even so... I have to be sure, on behalf of what little standing I still have left in the Council... not even my Sue-hunting bounties will get me out of this one... just contact me when you're done, I trust you enough to do that... or I trust _him_ enough *singling out the Master* *disappears, cackling*


	8. The Lovin' Feeling of Evil: Part 7

**Title:** The Lovin' Feeling of Evil

**Authors:** Tu as Ten, Demon as Simm!Master (written as S!Master)

**Rating:** M for HEAVILY IMPLIED SECKSY!TIEM OF REDEMPTION AND WIN

**Summary:** Because 'Time Crash' wasn't enough crack!paradox time… Tu and I have gone slightly madder than usual and given you a DOUBLE paradox of slashy, crack, time-line-breaking WIN. Prepare for your brains to be burnt and your NuWho to be ruined.

**Warnings:** CRACK!PARADOX(ES), FOURTH-WALL-BREAKAGE, AND SLIGHTLY ILLEGAL MEMORY-SHARING, MAJOR EOT SPOILERS (set immediately after EOT, and for that, it's slightly AU)

**A/N:** I KNOW it's been awhile, and I apologize, we do have some very tender!Three/Delgado!Master stuff up, if that's what you're craving and that was part of the delay is I couldn't decide where to put this, so... I put it here.

**The Council of the Time Lord Slashers has banned this fic on most of the universe and on all planets with intelligent life, as of now, it has officially been purged from the Matrix (along with the biodata of the authors known as Tu and Demon)** 

* * *

***Meanwhile, ONE LAST Time, BACK in the TARDIS…***  
Ten: *keeps grinning until they're gone* *turns on the Master with a serious, worried, Very Disappointed frown* I think we need to have a little chat

S!Master: *sighs* Do we?

Ten: We do, what were you thinking?!

S!Master: *smug!grin* I was thinking I'd finally get to unlock your memories... *lunges for the Doctor*

Ten: *dodges* Unlock my what?! What-- Hold on, _no--_ *trips over the jumpseat and goes sprawling* Oof

S!Master: *tackles him, kissing him possessively* *before the Doctor can stop him, enters his mind* *flipping wildly through the day's events, pausing just a little for the voyeuristic pleasure of watching his subconscious* *flying way, way back, and there it is, completely invisible to him, but those memories, tonight's real memories, still locked the way he'd left them* *dropping the walls he'd set up, lets all of it wash over him* *breathy* You understand now, don't you? *grinning slightly*

Ten: *staring through him, trying to take it all in and make those new memories make sense* I... *tenses slightly* _you--_ I can't _believe _you *Three!type indignation, melting quickly into...* _oh. _*dazed* Well. That explains... *Swallows heavily and actually meets his eyes*

S!Master: *grin widens* Good to have you back... *snogging him passionately, clutching him, ruffling his hair* *shifts to his ear* _all _of you...

Ten: *shivers and clutches at his shoulders* Yes... *pulls away* *sudden attack of the guilts* I promised you-- promised that I wouldn't let you... *pained expression*

S!Master: *draws away with an unreadable expression* *looks the Doctor over for a moment* *decides not to say anything and goes back to his seduction, ripping open the Doctor's shirt, buttons go flying*

Ten: Ah-hey-- *bites back a protest, he did LIKE that shirt but there are more important matters at hand...* Wait--*cups his cheeks in his hands* wait, *waits until the Master meets his eyes* how long? How long have you known?

S!Master: *humorless half smile* Since I came back...

Ten: *stroking his jaw absentmindedly, fairly sure it's the influx of memories from his younger self making him miss that dreadful beard* Which time? *mirroring his smile* You always come back.

S!Master: *closing his eyes and turning his face down slightly, faltering smile* The resurrection... *kisses the Doctor hand, looking back up at him*

Ten: Then you--you... _all _that time? And you still ran away from me? *trying not to sound hurt* You should have showed me! *Trying to be angry about this but winding up slightly misty-eyed, he'll probably blame it on exhaustion*

S!Master: *raises eyebrow slightly* *so very, very quietly, knowing how much it will hurt* Would you have let me do it?

Ten: *small, quick intake of breath* *looks away quickly, trying to gather his emotions* No. *humorless smile, reminiscent of his Third* I suppose some things haven't changed.

S!Master: *smiles the same smile he did then* *looks away* Well... we seem to have forgotten what we're doing on the floor of your TARDIS... *rolls over, dragging the Doctor on top of him, grinning*

Ten: *little surprised noise which might just have been a squeak and stares down at him* Hold on--you're suggesting we just--just--pick up where we left off, are you? *his eyebrows seem to be making a dash for his hairline*

S!Master: *blinks once* What, you wanted to play Parcheesi instead?

Ten: *wrinkles his nose* *exaggerated pained look* Oh, no, are those our only options? *trying not to notice that he is very much on top of the Master* I'd really prefer Candyland, I got Donna to play it with me once and-- *Notices where his hand has ended up* Uh--oh, sorry. *blushes*

S!Master: *momentarily crackles with electricity* Doctor, you move that hand and you _will_ regret it *winks* And no, we're not going to play Candyland... *flips the Doctor over again, making sure his hand does NOT move* Because you have a dream come true... *undoes tie* I have no where to go *starts kissing down his throat, like he liked so much* no drums *kisses along his collarbone* and really, couldn't be happier *kisses down his chest*

Ten: *gasps and lets him go for a moment before--* _Wait--_ *squirms and pulls him up by the hair* You're not mad-- I mean, not _mad_ mad, of course you're not, you said the drums were gone but *pained, troubled and slightly shaky* I promised I'd stop you.

S!Master: *can't BELIEVE that he can actually manage a coherent thought after that* *either he's losing his touch or he's building up an immunity... both of which are very troubling thoughts indeed* *frustrated sigh* *gives the Doctor a sidelong glance* why does it matter? It's done *can't quite mask some bitterness in his enigma*

Ten: *sudden rush of sympathy that he knows the Master doesn't want but can't quite stop all the same* *leans up to give him a small kiss, then a longer, deeper one, managing to be more tender than their younger selves usually did* Forgive me? Please, *mirrors the kisses the Master gave him, down his neck until he's stopped by the man's hoodie* please, Master *playing it up a little, but, after the day they've had, they both deserve it*

S!Master: *deep breath, rumbling deep in his chest where the Doctor can feel it* *contented smirk grows on his face* Oh, say my name again Doctor...

Ten: *little laugh, not cruel, just amused* You always did like that, didn't you? *reaches down to tug at the edge of the Master's hoodie and top, pulling them upwards* I tried so hard to keep it from you, for awhile, remember?

S!Master: *throwing off his hoodie and shirt, revealing still rather spectacular chest hair, to match his fantastic stubble; not quite a rubbish!beard, but remarkably attractive in its own way* Oh yes, and I plan to have you make up for every single time you denied me it tonight... *seizing the Doctor's face to plant a searing kiss on his lips*

Ten: *kisses him back, just as fiercely, running his hands down his chest, lingering at his sides before settling at the top of his trousers* That could take awhile, years, in fact...

S!Master: *guiding his hands to the button* Well, if you insist, Doctor... *shoves what's left of the Doctor's shirt and jacket off*

Ten: *grins and sits up slightly, kissing him as he goes and unbuttoning his trousers* Yes, I do actually...Master, *kisses down his neck insistently* Years and years...

S!Master: *groans* *has never been so happy to hear those words in all his lives* *buries himself in the Doctor's ridiculous hair for a moment, clinging to him in a VERY rare show of weakness in this regeneration_* And then we can play Parcheesi_...

***For the last time, outside the TARDIS, as the sun rises on a yellow car driven off the road…* **

D!Master: *has spent all night trying to lock those memories... and he can't do it* *every time he reaches the boundary of the Doctor's mind, a little voice inside him that's madly in love with the Doctor panics and forces him to stop, preventing him from finding the memories* *in an effort to distract himself, has gotten slightly dressed in what's left of his clothes and cleaned up Bessie* *sigh* *notices the cold, white light of the early morning starting to shine* I need more time... *watches the Doctor's face sadly, for the hundredth time* *he looks almost innocent when he's asleep... _almost_* *very quietly, in case he hears* "The weather changes. I could have sat with thee till morning..." *determined to finally do this, gently takes the Doctor's face in his hands... and enters his mind, the little voice quelled under the onslaught of determination and necessity* *rushing through the golden labyrinth of the Doctor's sleeping mind, he finds the memories he's looking for* *trying not to look at them too closely, flips through to where he realizes that he'd just disappeared and puts up a wall, blocks around it until he gets to the final events of last night* *tries very VERY hard not to break down inside the Doctor's mind and tries very hard not to watch them too closely* *finishes the wall* *rushes out of the Doctor's mind and clings to him for a moment while the block sets in* *wibbles slightly*

Demon: "Now cracks a noble heart..." *appears quietly*

D!Master: *death glare, laying the Doctor down gently* There I've done it, what more do you want?

Demon: *sighs gently* You know what I'm here for...

D!Master: *hmphs* Very well then, do it quickly...

Demon: *approaches his side of the car* Err... yeah... about that... see, I was only told how to erase memories, not how to block them...

D!Master: *rolls eyes* *rubs face* So, I suppose I'll have to _teach_ you then, won't I?

Demon: Um... yeah, pretty much. *nervous grin*

D!Master: *opens car door* Come here... *is very tired*

Demon: *obeys*

D!Master: *looking her in the eye* Now, I want you to pay very close attention, I don't want to lose any of these memories and there's a very specific kind of lock that I'm going to have you put on it and it's not the kind I would recommend for beginners, is that clear?

Demon: *swallows* Crystal... *is SO dead if she screws this up*

D!Master: Now, I want you to enter my mind *smirks slightly* Don't worry, I won't bite _this_ time...

Demon: *meep*

D!Master: Give me your hands, put them here... *places them at his temples* Now, just close your eyes and envision yourself falling through...

Demon: ... a rabbit hole?

D!Master: *sigh* If you want... I'll do the rest

Demon: *does so* *is suddenly being tossed about on a sea of thoughts* WHOA...

D!Master: *grabs her* _Try_ not to get lost... this way... *drags her toward memories*

Demon: Your mind is... *glances about* I don't think it's ever been said with more accuracy, a scary place...

D!Master: *chuckles* What were you expecting?

Demon: *passes the drums* *momentarily contemplates just sabotaging those now...* Can you see those?

D!Master: Hmmm?

Demon: The drums, those... *looks up at him* you can't, can you?

D!Master: What _are_ you talking about? *frowning*

Demon: I... nevermind... *continues walking, trying not to look at anything*

D!Master: Here we are, memories... now, listen to me very carefully, I'll pull up the ones you need to lock, but you have to know for how long they need to be locked...

Demon: UH... *thinks about the date she had in mind* I can guesstimate how long it would be, but... I really don't know... time for you people is a very strange thing...

D!Master: *weary sigh* Then how long WERE you planning to keep this locked?

Demon: Um... I have an event in mind... could I possibly tie the lock with this memory... again, it's one you haven't had yet, but...

D!Master: *frowns* If I reconfigured the matrix for... coding a future experience instead of a time... that's FAR more subjective and more difficult to keep locked, but I think I can manage

Demon: *beams* Fantastic! Well, brilliant, if we want to stay... oh, nevermind, just do it...

D!Master: *gladly ignores her* Now, if you could just put in your information here... *gestures to a gap in the string of characters*

Demon: Erm... don't have to translate first do I?

D!Master: *deep sigh* The computations will do it for you, and you're speaking in images, correct?

Demon: *remembering the scene* Er, yes?

D!Master: Then there's really no worry is there? And before I seal this, I must tell you how to get out; I'm not having you stuck in my mind. After this is sealed, I will fall unconscious and my mind will generally reject yours *smug!grin* all you have to do is imagine falling back out of the rabbit hole again and you'll be out, but as you're human, I should warn you that you might feel slightly sick, similar to nausea during flight...

Demon: *assumes he means by plane, but probably means a TARDIS* Okay...

D!Master: Very well then, can't say it's been a pleasure *seals it*

Demon: *grimaces* Thanks... *falls back into her own mind* *REELS* Erg... what a headache...

Tu: *pops into existence*I found it! *holding a copy of memory-blocking for dummies* Oh... *looks over the scene* Oh my, *wide-eyed, Five-type stare* have they just been...

Demon: *blinks* Oh good, it's you... I was wondering when you were going to show up *leans on car for support, is still wobbly from mind-travel* *glances at the semi-naked Three and Delgado!Master who has fallen on top of him* *smirks* Yes, I suppose they have... *sees book* Oh, THANKS for that, by the way...

Tu: A bit late, by the looks of things *snorts and tosses it into a bush* You look mildly hung over, read any good minds lately?

Demon: *glare* You want to take a trip down 'I have drums but can't see them'? Erg, his mind is so... TWISTED, and I mean that in a very PHYSICAL way, you understand, it's just... all over the place, I don't know how he manages a single thought...

Tu: Is it a wonder is plans are so rubbish-- OH! Here, hold on *pats down pockets, pulls out a cricket ball, some yarn, an unexplained remote control, some jelly babies, a small paperback and* HERE! This should help *tosses asprin*

Demon: *fumbles for it* *falls somewhere inside Bessie* Oh... fan-bloody-tastic... *REALLY doesn't want to go looking for it*

Tu: *sigh* *hands on hips* Well, just leave it, we have more in our TARDIS and those two won't use it

Demon: Oh, we do have a TARDIS now? LEMME SEE!

Tu: *sigh* Alright, come on... but if you change the desktop theme to leopard print I MAY HAVE to kill you. We'll have to tow these two back to their timeframe...

Demon: *grimaces* *still isn't walking quite perfectly* Now, why on EARTH would I change it to leopard print? You know I have better taste than... oh, Rassilon...

Tu: *pouts* what?

Demon: *judgment!brow* You set the Chameleon Circuit for THE TARDIS?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CONFUSING THIS WILL BE?! *is secretly very, very pleased*

Tu: *beams* Aw, but I like it! And it's not like we're planning to do this sort of thing on a regular basis *opens the door* *gestures* after you

Demon: *mutters* Maybe _you're_ not... huh... what regeneration's is this?

Tu: *grins and sprints insides* Do you like it? It's Eight with just a splash of Nine to keep it sane... ish

Demon: I see... yes it seems very much more... HOMEY than normal... well, at least the console looks familiar *likes that green-ish corally version*

Tu: *flops down in the chair* ... *has already put on some Ella Fitzgerald* *pics up a copy of the Time Machine and flips through it before--* Isn't it BRILLIANT! Oh-- no time for tea *bounces up again* We've got to get them back to their time before anyone notices them gone.

Demon: *raises eyebrow* Ya' think? OH! And we have to hunt down Three's TARDIS, oh damn... *groan*

Tu: *sighs* Can't we just dump them and Bessie in front of Unit? *whines* I'm sure they'll be fiiiine and I really, REALLY want to visit the Eye of Orion *pouts*

Demon: *sigh* Yes, fine, we can visit Beetlejuice too while we're there, and... *sigh* seeing as waking either of them up to ask would be a BAD idea and trying to ask Ten or Simm!Master would be even MORE ineffectual, I'd say we drop them off and then come back to Ten and Simm!Master when they're done shagging, make them fin it, and drop it off at UNIT earlier this morning and tell the Brig where he can find the Doctor and the Master... sound like a plan? *has so not thought this through in advance*

Tu: Hmmm...? *was playing with the buttons and not listening at all* Oh, yes, yes, that sounds brilliant!

Demon: *grits teeth* *IS changing the desktop theme when Tu's not looking* Right, well come on them, how do you want to transport Bessie, hmmm? Just tie a rope around her and drag it through the time vortex behind us?

Tu: *laughs* No, no, of course not.... *thinks it over* you don't suppose we could find a rope around here at this hour, do you?

Demon: *facepalms* NO! WE ARE NOT TOWING BESSIE BEHIND US, THE DOCTOR WOULD KILL US! Besides, we might lose them. Why don't we land the TARDIS on top of Bessie and transport her that way, okay?

Tu: *sighs* Oh, alright.... *pauses* This is going to be tricky.

Demon: *chews tongue* Yep... I would guess we're about.... ooh, 50 feet away? Convert that to metres, it's... about 9.5 metres away? Ish? *fails at that calculation* Well, at least we don't have to mess with the time frame...

Tu: True, true--- here *adjust the space-destination slightly* I _think_ that should be right. Or it might accidentally kill us. Want to give it a go?

Demon: Well, it's not a TARDIS trip unless there's the very strong possibility that you might die... ALLONS Y!

Tu: *yanks a lever* ANDIAMO! *hangs on for dear life*

Demon: BUFFERS! *reaches for the lever* Goodness, we're new at this... *sees Bessie starting to appear in the middle of Tu's very lovely sitting room* Well, at least it's worked...

Tu: Yes! *remembers the sleeping Time Lords* *more quietly* Yes-- now, step two!

Demon: Hold on... *walks over to Bessie* *carefully starts removing the Master's jacket*

Tu: What're you doing? *curious* Can I help? Oh! We could draw funny pictures on them with sharpie!

Demon: *sighs* No Sharpie... *slightly evil!grin* Well, Three's completely naked, I want it to look like it was a fair fight... *wink*

Tu: Oh, I see *watches* Makes sense. Happy now? Can we get them back where they belong?

Demon: *taps lip* There's one last thing... *arranges so it looks like they were cuddling* Perfect! *happy!fangirl!grin* Okay, we're good now...

Tu: Alright, I think I'm getting the hang of this whole "setting coordinates" deal-- you might wanna hold on and be ready to press that "press only in dire emergency" button

Demon: The great, big, threatening button that should never ever ever be pressed? I'm on it.

Tu: *sends us off into the Vortex* I'm thinking... RIGHT outside Unit headquarters, what about you?

Demon: I don't know, I think we should make UNIT hunt for them, just a little, so that they have time to sit and wonder what the HELL happened last night *evil!grin* And maybe try to reenact parts of it... *mischievous eyebrow!waggle* Tempting as it is to hear what the Brig would say waking up to THAT sight *giggles*

Tu: *stiffled giggle* Fair enough... ooh, somewhere out of the way, lets see, how about... BIRMINGHAM! *punches in the coordinates*

Demon: WAAAH! *tries not to scream* *clutches console* Sheesh, the vortex does NOT like being played with...

Tu: That's the FUN bit! It's nearly as good as materialization which--hold on-- is going to be a bit bumpy

Demon: *THUNK* *is thrown off the console* *lands on the handy seats* Now I know why he puts the padding on the rails... meh, the materialization has its upsides... *grin* *did not just imagine falling into someone's lap doing that* So... what do we do now? DRIVE Bessie out of here? *does not like that prospect after carefully arranging the two sleeping Time Lords*

Tu: Oh, I know! It's like being on a great big trampoline! *glee* we're a bit Caerdroia together, aren't we, I was just thinking-- OH! Right, them. Well. *looks them over* We could just leave them, same as we picked them up

Demon: *did not understand a word of that first bit* *blinks* But, how do we dematerialize around something? *they never showed us doing it backwards!* *pouts*

Tu: Well, I'd think we could just do the same as the forward bit, only in reverse! *Caerdroia!Eight-ish vague smile* ...oh... or maybe not. Hm

Demon: *judgment!brow* yeah, doing it in reverse doesn't exactly WORK does it... Well, if I knew anything about writing coordinates for the TARDIS, my guess would be you give it a certain parameter of internal space that you tell it NOT to move, um... NO idea how we would tell it, her... him? What'd you get?

Tu: *sigh* Well, we could always try...*scratches head* ....driving Bessie out of here. Do you think we could make the doors big enough?

Demon: 8O *wibbles* But, but... my careful arranging! *pouts* Plus, THREE WOULD KILL US. Plus plus, she's a stick-shift and slightly ancient besides, sorry Bessie *is way to used to treating machine-like things as if they had feelings*, do you even know HOW to drive her 'cause I can't drive stick! Plus plus plus, moving them will be HELL, Three, need I remind you, is NAKED except for the jacket draped over his most Time-Lord-y bits...

Tu: *hands on hips* do you have a better idea?

Demon: *pouts* *scuffs floor with shoe* No...

Tu: *claps hands together* Well then, I'll move Three, you move the Master and we'll just cut away tidily until after this whole business is over

Demon: You mean I don't even get CREDIT for my struggling? *jawdrop of Rassilon*

Tu: That's right *shoulder pet* I don't really think we need to subject the folks at home to all that, eh? They're just here for the slash.

Demon: *sigh* Fine...

***When at LAST our valiant heroines have managed to get Bessie outside the TARDIS...***

Demon: Correction... Three's not going to kill us, the TARDIS is going to kill us *stares at the tracks they made on the nice carpet*

Tu: Oh, I don't know, I think they add a certain ambiance... it says "lived in", it says "modern" ...it says.... "we had a car in our console room"

Demon: Brilliant... *turns back to glance over their handiwork* *the Master and the Doctor are laid out almost as perfectly as she had them* *VIOLENT SHUDDER* NEVER again... *has seen way too much old Time Lord body for one LIFETIME* we are NEVER planning something like this AGAIN unless it's Ten and a whole slew of Simm!Masters... *stomps into TARDIS*

Tu: *storms after, grumbling* at this rate I'll never get to play with Eight--oh hey, that rhymed! *beams to herself* *slips the door shut*

Demon: What? Oh never mind, set a course for wherever, I'm going to go make some very strong tea, you want some?

Tu: Yes please! Tea, earl grey, hot-- shaken, not stirred! *sets coordinates for the Eye of Orion*

Demon: *rolls eyes* Yes Mr. Bond...


	9. The Lovin' Feeling of Evil: Part 8

**Title: **The Lovin' Feeling of Evil

**Authors:** Tu as Ten AND Three AND Ianto AND Owen, Demon as Simm!Master AND Delgado!Master (written as S!Master and D!Master) AND Jack AND Gwen AND Tosh

**Rating:** M for RIDIC ADULT CONTENT THAT MAKES JACK HARKNESS DROOL

**Summary: **Because 'Time Crash' wasn't enough crack!paradox time… Tu and I have gone slightly madder than usual and given you a DOUBLE paradox of slashy, crack, time-line-breaking WIN. Prepare for your brains to be burnt and your NuWho to be ruined.

**Warnings:** CRACK!PARADOX(ES), FOURTH-WALL-BREAKAGE, AND SLIGHTLY ILLEGAL MEMORY-SHARING, MAJOR EOT SPOILERS (set immediately after EOT, and for that, it's slightly AU)

**The Council of the Time Lord Slashers has banned this fic on most of the universe and on all planets with intelligent life, as of now, it has officially been purged from the Matrix (along with the biodata of the authors known as Tu and Demon)**

* * *

Three: Of all the-- without so much as a "By your leave" *pouts a bit* ... *realizes what this means* *reluctantly* Well, it seems we have no other choice. *This is Three-speak for "Are you sure you're still alright with this"*

D!Master: *avoids looking at him by pulling down that collar he was playing with earlier and kissing along his throat*

Three: *sighs happily* *really wishes he'd be able to appreciate this once the memory is gone* We could still attempt to break the timeline... *wouldn't, really, really wouldn't*

D!Master: *draws away sharply* Doctor *threatening tone of voice* it is under great protestation that I do this for you, do NOT tempt me... *black look in his eyes, this is really not fair at all*

Three: *disturbing, Three!grin* You're doing this for me *pulls him into a rough kiss* Aren't you? Because I asked you to? *little!implied!"And you'd never go off and do something hurtful like DYING IN MY ARMS"*

D!Master: MMMF! *knees threatening to buckle* *hot DAMN Three is a good kisser* *gasping* *as an answer* As if I cared about the sodding time line... *even with hands bound, grabs the Doctor, and pulls him as close as he can*

Three: *pulls him closer by his bound hands* *hmms lightly, biting at the skin below his ear* You should, you know you should *running his hands down his sides, to his thighs* I never wanted...*shivers* _this_ *More than a little frightened by how much the Master would risk for him* *low little moan into the kiss* The TARDIS...we should....

D!Master: *about all he can manage to say* Your car... *continuing a steady conquest along the Doctor's throat and jaw-line, tickling him just under the ears* *is trying desperately to forget everything that must come after*

Three: Hah *squirms* Right--*would normally protest the use of his Bessie for... well... this but can't quite think straight with the Master's voice doing that low, breathing thing--mmm* Right, come on *tugs on the tie and stumbles away from him, trying to keep his legs steady as he starts towards his car*

D!Master: *in his ear directly* I meant to get us TO your TARDIS... *chuckling* I hardly think _that_ has room... *manages to significantly ruffle the Doctor's hair just by breathing*

Three: *snort to disguise another shiver* We've managed in worse *small, conspiratorial grin, remembering their days at the Academy* ... *holds the door open for the Master, because he's a gentleman that way*

D!Master: *winks as he slides in* oh, I remember... are you sure it's wise letting me sit in front while you _try_ to drive...? *really just wants to play with the Doctor's hair behind him*

Three: *eyebrow quirk as he makes his way to the driver's seat* I certainly don't trust you in the back seat on your own *really just wants the Master to have a good view to admire his driving skillz*

D!Master: *disappointed!sigh* Very well Doctor... if we run off the road, though, it won't be _my_ fault... *scoots far closer to where the Doctor's sitting than is really probably safe*

Three: *raises an eyebrow* Your faith in my driving skills is astounding, *runs his hand along the Master's thigh before getting down to business and actually starting the car* You may want to hold on.

D!Master: If you insist, my dear Doctor *grabs him around the waist*

Three: *sputters* That's not what I-- oh, never mind *tries to focus on the road with the Master's hand just... there...*

D!Master: *snuggles slightly* *will not distract the Doctor in that way, will not distract the Doctor in that way, will not... * *is too devious to resist*

Three: *chokecoughblush* I hardly think this is the time to--oh... oh that's rather *closes eyes* *manages to drive them into a ditch* Oh... Rassilon, look what you made me do!

D!Master: *tries hard not to look smug* *fails* *pushing the Doctor against the door* Did you really think I was going to let you make me wait? *has wriggled out of the bondage and is now slowly unbuttoning the Doctor's shirt*

Three: *gapes up at him* I thought you said... but... *trying to form a coherent argument and failing* the TARDIS...

D!Master: *pulls off gloves* *runs hands all over the Doctor's chest* I never thought you'd let me in your car...

Three: *shivers and grabs his hand, pulling it up to his lips* *a bit breathless* The possibility had occurred to me...

D!Master: *dark, glittering grin* *in the Doctor's ear, moving on top of him slightly* It is still too small, you know, but I think waiting, at the point, is out of the question... *unexpected!grope*

Three: *squirms* Ah-- yes, quite right-- *fumbling over the Master's buttons* No time like the present *mischievous little smile* *leans up to kiss the Master*

D!Master: *moans a little* *shoves the Doctor's shirt and jacket off while he tries to undo all those buttons*

Three: *tries to help him* *gives up and moves on to the trousers* This is a terribly bad idea *is loving it*

D!Master: *thrusts a little, uncontrollably* _All_ my ideas are bad, Doctor, you know that... *smug!eyebrow-raise that clearly says, "and that's why you love me"* *rakes fingers down the Doctor's ribs*

Three: *leans in for another, longer kiss* *nuzzles his neck* Yes, that is true, but usually I try _not_ to encourage you *teasing and more than a little amused by the situation*

D!Master: Mmmm... *continues kissing the Doctor in a long, sweet way, wrapping his arms around him in a loving, but still possessive way*

Three: *little moan into the kiss* Hmm... *runs his hand down the Master's back* *tries to reposition himself so he's slightly less crunched, they really don't have room*

***When headlights came down the road...***

Gwen: Jack, where are we going?

Jack: Just a little farther, I don't have my timey-wimey detector anymore, but *glances out the window*... *STAAAARES*

Ianto: Jack, *peers* what is it--Oh.

Owen: Alright *laughs and claps his hands* *hoots* You go, grandpa!

Gwen: JACK WATCH OUT! *grabs wheel to prevent them hitting a tree* Lord, what were you... *sees what everyone else was staring at* Oh for God's sake...

Jack: *hits brakes* *backs up* *stops* *STAAAAAAAAAAARES*

Ianto: *coughs* *nudges him* Jack, we really should give them their...Oh my...

Owen: *snerk* He's awfully flexible for a fossil.

Tosh: *cringing and looking the other way* Um, sorry, but... why exactly are we watching two old men, um...?

Jack: It's... but that's impossible...

Owen: It's not impossible, you just have to be able to get your legs—

Ianto: *snips sourly* I don't think that's what he meant-- Jack, what's the matter? *strokes his arm*

Gwen: OWEN! Go on Jack...

Jack: It's... that's the Doctor

Ianto: _The_ Doctor *twinge of jealousy* You mean you and... _him_ *vaguely horrified*

Jack: No, no, no! He'd never... well, if it... but that's the thing he's not MY Doctor *turning back to everyone*

Tosh: So... who is he then? *is really confused* *is also wondering which one it is*

Gwen: Jack, you're drooling a little...

Three: *from Bessie, loud enough for them to hear it* Master--!

Owen: Kinky little bastard, in any case...

Ianto: I really think we should be going... *blushing deeply* Flesh eating zombie dolls to fight, and all...

Jack: *whips back so fast he gets a crick in his neck* NO WAY! *STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE* *and really doesn't care if he's drooling*

Tosh: *desperately trying to tune it out* If you're not going to explain then can we at least get out of here, please?

Gwen: *raises eyebrow* Jaaack... what's going on here...?

Jack: I don't know... *can't stop watching at this point* *is trying very hard not to look like he's enjoying it*

Owen: *clears throat* Well, I'd think that bit would be obvious *nudges Tosh* Even to you, huh?

Tosh: *intense blush* *mumbling* Just because I don't talk about it like the rest of you... *more moans in background* Ugh... really Jack, whatever this is, I'm REALLY sure we're not supposed to hear it!

Gwen: *sigh* Jack, move over, I'll drive us back and YOU can explain on the way... *muttering* pervy alien...

Ianto: Yes, it sounds like a private... moment-- Oh for, WHO actually wants to be called "Master" in bed *trying not to think about it*

Jack: *swallows* *tries not to blush, laugh, or orgasm all at the same time* Um, Gwen, now would not be the best time to... whoa! *Gwen pulls him over to her seat* _hello..._

Gwen: *notices* Oh for God's sake Jack! *rolls eyes* *steps out of car to move to the driver seat*

Tosh: *did not just see/hear that*

Ianto: *sighs, is getting too used to this* Oh, Jack. *facepalm*

Unexpected!Mostlynaked!Three: *peeks up from Bessie, looking very disheveled* Do you mind? *glowers*

D!Master: *realizes there are people* What...? OH! *hides behind mostlynaked!Three... mmmmm... naked!Three...*

Gwen: Right! *gets back into the car, slams on the accelerator, and gets the hell out of there*


	10. The Lovin' Feeling of Evil: Part 9

**Title: **The Lovin' Feeling of Evil

**Authors:** Tu as Three, Demon as Delgado!Master (written as D!Master)

**Rating:** M+ for RASPBERRY JAM (if you don't get this, you haven't read enough fic) and _"I still love you, I'll always love you, even if... __you'll never love me_"

**Summary: **Because 'Time Crash' wasn't enough crack!paradox time… Tu and I have gone slightly madder than usual and given you a DOUBLE paradox of slashy, crack, time-line-breaking WIN. Prepare for your brains to be burnt and your NuWho to be ruined.

**Warnings:** CRACK!PARADOX(ES), FOURTH-WALL-BREAKAGE, AND SLIGHTLY ILLEGAL MEMORY-SHARING, MAJOR EOT SPOILERS (set immediately after EOT, and for that, it's slightly AU)

**The Council of the Time Lord Slashers has banned this fic on most of the universe and on all planets with intelligent life, as of now, it has officially been purged from the Matrix (along with the biodata of the authors known as Tu and Demon)**

* * *

Three: *grumbles* Twenty-first century perverts... now, *turns around and leers* where were we?

D!Master: *still a little shaken from being seen/heard* Eh...

Three: Come on *little kiss* we don't have all night *kissing down his chest and shoving him back against the door*

D!Master: *tingly* Mmm... quite right. Now I remember, getting the rest of you naked *eyes his shoes*

Three: *rolls eyes affectionately* *kicks them off* *eyes the rest of the Master's clothing* I believe you have me at a disadvantage

D!Master: *raises his arms obediently over his head* Where would you like to start? *tempting!grin*

Three: Here, I think *reaches out for his shirt, kissing him again* *starts pulling at his shirt, then gives up and lets the buttons snap off* Definitely, here *strokes the Master's chest before pushing the shirt off* Then maybe here *starts fumbling with his trousers*

D!Master: *hissing through teeth* Oh, you torture me, Doctor... *playing it up, just a little, but it is, seriously, in a REALLY REALLY GOOD WAY*

Three: *low chuckle, finally getting his fingers to cooperate and stealing the Master's trousers* You're loving it. *nips at his shoulder, then pauses to leave a small mark* ....*leans back against the door and grabs for the Master's hand* *meets his eyes* come here *puts the Master's hand against his temple, giving him a deep mental caress*

D!Master: *shudders* *Now it's really been WAY too long since they had _that_...* *very tenderly* Oh, my dear Doctor... *leans toward the Doctor again to abscond him entirely* *tenderly strokes the Doctor's mind*

Three: *little sigh* *arches up into him, trying to ignore the way the door is digging into his back* It's been too long... *slips deeper into his mind and tries to lose himself* '_don't go...'_

D!Master: *breath hitches* *clutches the Doctor* '_never...' _*knows he's lying, but he has to*

Three: *resists the temptation to simply shut the Master out of his mind and keep this* *clings to the Master* Please... *little whimper* '_Koschei—'_

D!Master: *his hearts stopped* '_Theta, my Theta...' _*kissing fiercely, clinging, needing... _his_ Theta, names that had been lost to them for so long*

Three: *gasps* Yours? *lets him, digging his nails in slightly on his back, encouraging* '_Yes, yours—'_

D!Master: *barely whispering, had he really never said it before?* Mine... *kissing him all over* Mine, mine, my Theta Sigma_... 'I love you' _*panicking slightly, he couldn't stop himself, looking up at the Doctor*

Three: *completely still, not even breathing, just staring* *mind going about a million miles an hour-- of course, he always suspected, but then once they left Gallifrey--* ... oh.

D!Master: *can't move, not until he says something* '_Theta... please...'_

Three: *swallows heavily* '_Yes...'_ *doesn't break the Master's gaze, trying to make the thoughts come out correctly, because the situation is so very delicate* Yes, I... of course I-- *silently pleading with him not to make him do this....* '_I've always...'_

D!Master: *chews lip to keep from looking more pathetic then he's sure he already does* *clings to Thet-- the Doctor, again* *dashes a tear*

Three: *holds him tightly and reaches down for his chin* Shhh *tilts him up to meet his eyes* *leans in to kiss his cheek and catch that pesky tear* *touching him very gently, to make up for all the things he can't say*

D!Master: '_...I know, Theta... I know' _*kisses him in a way that kinda says, "Can we stop being all sad about how pathetic we are and just have sex now?"*

Three: *kisses him back, completely willing to forget their current problems in favor of this... it's all they're likely to get in the near future* '_thank you'_

D!Master: *unexpected!grope, because he for one wants to forget that he ever said THOUGHT _that_ in a hurry...*

Three: *muffled squeak* *grabs him by the hair and pulls him down for a rough, revenge kiss*

D!Master: *starts retreating from the Doctor's mind, he doesn't want to hear his thoughts while they do this* *grinding against the Doctor*

Three: *gasps and follows him as far as he can, hurt at being shut out though he knows on some level that it's for the best* wait-- *grabs for his jacket and starts going through the pockets* I'm sure I have something we could...

D!Master: *chuckles quietly* With haste, my dear Doctor *insistent nudge* *last thought before he leaves his mind, just a whisper of a thought, fleeting* '_I still love you, I'll always love you, even if...'_

Three: *pulls himself firmly back into his mind, trying not to flee or show how shaken that's left him* Ah-hah-- *pulls out a little packet of cream* -- or maybe not... no, no, let's hope there's something else....

D!Master: *snort!wince* Let's hope we're not that desperate...

Three: Ah, there we are *finds a small tube of lube* *small, suddenly self conscious smile* better.

D!Master: *skeptical!brow* *a little of the tenderness of this moment has been killed for him* Well? Are you going to do the honors, or shall I?

Three: *suddenly aware of just how awkward this is* *tries to get back into the Master's personal space to try to salvage the situation* Well, given the circumstance... *resists the urge to stroke his mind again* I'd say I owe you... *grimace, that wasn't exactly how he meant to put it*

D!Master: *feels the urge to pull away completely* *but recognizes at least that he's trying...* *trying to regain a little of the ardor he just had* *softly* Very well Doctor *leans back for him*

Three: *follows him* Here, I'll just-- *it hasn't been this awkward since they still wore Prydonian robes* *takes things more slowly than he usually would, stroking him gently before getting to work* *leans in for a kiss, not pressing, just a little, light touch of the lips*

D!Master: *kisses him back, really doesn't want to ruin this, not after... _everything_*

Three: *nudges his legs open a little farther, really, they should have gone back to the TARDIS* *pauses just short of slipping in* Look at me? *tries and fails not to sound slightly pathetic*

D!Master: *closes eyes for a moment, either savoring this moment or forgetting it* *opens eyes to rest directly on the Doctor's* *almost wants to be in his mind again...*

Three: *takes a deep, shuddering breath but manages not to look away as he moves forward* Master... *just stays there for a moment, trying to commit this to memory... though he'll forget it all regardless, he's hardly rational where the Master is concerned*

D!Master: *closing eyes instinctively* Doctor... *leans forward, pushing the Doctor even deeper* *kisses him deeply*

Three: *Small, involuntary noise before pulling back* alright? *opens his eyes and looks at him, honestly concerned*

D!Master: *soft smile* If you knew how long I'd waited... *bucks underneath him slightly, urging him to get a move on*

Three: *nuzzles* I know... *rolls his hips, grabbing onto the door to brace himself...yes, next time they'll definitely use the TARDIS, it has bedrooms*

D!Master: *lifts up to meet him* *lost in the exquisite pleasure of being shagged by someone who... can never say that they love you*

Three: *touches his chest, running his hand down between them, watching him, it's so different with the Master, just like it always was* *hooks one of the Master's legs up around his arm, pressing deeper and getting a little frantic, it has been awhile*

D!Master: *pants* *has to look at him again* Doctor... *reaches to kiss him*

Three: *kisses him back, hard, pausing to rest his nose in that beard, breathing hard* Master--I--nng *really can't hold on much longer, reaches down between them*

D!Master: *clenches, shuddering* *swallows, panting still* *runs fingers through the Doctor's hair, urging him on*

Three: *speeds up, trying not to push the smaller man into the door too hard* *grabs onto his hips, then his shoulders, pulling him close desperately for a few short thrusts before going still*

D!Master: *pushes him over the edge* *throbs wildly for a moment, then... just stillness* *wraps arms comfortably around the Doctor, pulling him close* *sighs contentedly*

Three: Hmmm... *strokes his side absentmindedly, very close to just falling asleep on top of him* That was... pleasant... *little, self conscious kiss on his cheek as he pulls away and snatches his shirt to try to clean up the other man, slightly* Do you want to... *taps his temple with his free hand*

D!Master: *was going to tell him not to pull out yet, but... oh well* *thinks about it... given how successfully their thoughts have gone tonight... but hand in hand with... _oh_... that's right* *suddenly remembers that this isn't even SORT-OF permanent...*

Three: *little frown* are you... *puts down his shirt and touches the Master's side, now aware that they're both very naked* quite alright?

D!Master: *whispering* You didn't mean... not yet! *impulsive cling, is not self-conscious about the naked thing yet* Too soon, it's too soon...

Three: *softens slightly* Well, I suppose we could just... lie here-- for a little while. Yes, I suppose. *shoves him slightly* here, shove over *retrieves his coat from the floor and spreads it over them* Oh, look, you can even see some stars *points*

D!Master: *still clinging, doesn't care that he doesn't seem to understand* *glances up* How many have you been to? *wry grin*

Three: *little smile* you ought to know *scoots a little closer and rests his head on the Master's*

D!Master: *closes eyes, kisses the Doctor softly, tenderly* *it doesn't matter that he can't say it, it doesn't matter that they won't remember for years and years, they WILL remember that they had this, and this is all that matters* *tries to pull the Doctor so close that they become one person*

Three: Hmms, *snores a bit* *drooling slightly into his hair* 's nice....should do this *little yawn* more often... someday *shifts closer in what could possibly be labeled a cuddle* *continues snoring lightly*

D!Master: *tries REALLY hard not to be annoyed by the Doctor falling asleep while he's having a moment...*


	11. The Lovin' Feeling of Evil: Part 10

**Title:** The Lovin' Feeling of Evil

**Authors:** Tu as well... Tu, Demon as Delgado!Master (written as D!Master) and... herself...

**Rating:** K for mild swearing and disturbing mental images... O_o DISTURBING I TELL YOU!

**Summary:** Because 'Time Crash' wasn't enough crack!paradox time… Tu and I have gone slightly madder than usual and given you a DOUBLE paradox of slashy, crack, time-line-breaking WIN. Prepare for your brains to be burnt and your NuWho to be ruined.

**Warnings:** CRACK!PARADOX(ES), FOURTH-WALL-BREAKAGE, AND SLIGHTLY ILLEGAL MEMORY-SHARING, MAJOR EOT SPOILERS (set immediately after EOT, and for that, it's slightly AU)

**The Council of the Time Lord Slashers has banned this fic on most of the universe and on all planets with intelligent life, as of now, it has officially been purged from the Matrix (along with the biodata of the authors known as Tu and Demon)**

* * *

D!Master: *has spent all night trying to lock those memories... and he can't do it* *every time he reaches the boundary of the Doctor's mind, a little voice inside him that's madly in love with the Doctor panics and forces him to stop, preventing him from finding the memories*

*in an effort to distract himself, has gotten slightly dressed in what's left of his clothes and cleaned up Bessie* *sigh* *notices the cold, white light of the early morning starting to shine* I need more time... *watches the Doctor's face sadly, for the hundredth time* *he looks almost innocent when he's asleep... _almost_*

*very quietly, in case he hears* "The weather changes. I could have sat with thee till morning..." *determined to finally do this, gently takes the Doctor's face in his hands... and enters his mind, the little voice quelled under the onslaught of determination and necessity* *rushing through the golden labyrinth of the Doctor's sleeping mind, he finds the memories he's looking for* *trying not to look at them too closely, flips through to where he realizes that he'd just disappeared and puts up a wall, blocks around it until he gets to the final events of last night* *tries very VERY hard not to break down inside the Doctor's mind and tries very hard not to watch them too closely* *finishes the wall* *rushes out of the Doctor's mind and clings to him for a moment while the block sets in* *wibbles slightly*

Demon: "Now cracks a noble heart..." *appears quietly*

D!Master: *death glare, laying the Doctor down gently* There I've done it, what more do you want?

Demon: *sighs gently* You know what I'm here for...

D!Master: *hmphs* Very well then, do it quickly...

Demon: *approaches his side of the car* Err... yeah... about that... see, I was only told how to erase memories, not how to block them...

D!Master: *rolls eyes* *rubs face* So, I suppose I'll have to _teach_ you then, won't I?

Demon: Um... yeah, pretty much. *nervous grin*

D!Master: *opens car door* Come here... *is very tired*

Demon: *obeys*

D!Master: *looking her in the eye* Now, I want you to pay very close attention, I don't want to lose any of these memories and there's a very specific kind of lock that I'm going to have you put on it and it's not the kind I would recommend for beginners, is that clear?

Demon: *swallows* Crystal... *is SO dead if she screws this up*

D!Master: Now, I want you to enter my mind *smirks slightly* Don't worry, I won't bite _this_ time...

Demon: *meep*

D!Master: Give me your hands, put them here... *places them at his temples* Now, just close your eyes and envision yourself falling through...

Demon: ... a rabbit hole?

D!Master: *sigh* If you want... I'll do the rest

Demon: *does so* *is suddenly being tossed about on a sea of thoughts* WHOA...

D!Master: *grabs her* _Try_ not to get lost... this way... *drags her toward memories*

Demon: Your mind is... *glances about* I don't think it's ever been said with more accuracy, a scary place...

D!Master: *chuckles* What were you expecting?

Demon: *passes the drums* *momentarily contemplates just sabotaging those now...* Can you see those?

D!Master: Hmmm?

Demon: The drums, those... *looks up at him* you can't, can you?

D!Master: What _are_ you talking about? *frowning*

Demon: I... nevermind... *continues walking, trying not to look at anything*

D!Master: Here we are, memories... now, listen to me very carefully, I'll pull up the ones you need to lock, but you have to know for how long they need to be locked...

Demon: UH... *thinks about the date she had in mind* I can guesstimate how long it would be, but... I really don't know... time for you people is a very strange thing...

D!Master: *weary sigh* Then how long WERE you planning to keep this locked?

Demon: Um... I have an event in mind... could I possibly tie the lock with this memory... again, it's one you haven't had yet, but...

D!Master: *frowns* If I reconfigured the matrix for... coding a future experience instead of a time... that's FAR more subjective and more difficult to keep locked, but I think I can manage

Demon: *beams* Fantastic! Well, brilliant, if we want to stay... oh, never mind, just do it...

D!Master: *gladly ignores her* Now, if you could just put in your information here... *gestures to a gap in the string of characters*

Demon: Erm... don't have to translate first do I?

D!Master: *deep sigh* The computations will do it for you, and you're speaking in images, correct?

Demon: *remembering the scene* Er, yes?

D!Master: Then there's really no worry is there? And before I seal this, I must tell you how to get out; I'm not having you stuck in my mind. After this is sealed, I will fall unconscious and my mind will generally reject yours *smug!grin* all you have to do is imagine falling back out of the rabbit hole again and you'll be out, but as you're human, I should warn you that you might feel slightly sick, similar to nausea during flight...

Demon: *assumes he means by plane, but probably means a TARDIS* Okay...

D!Master: Very well then, can't say it's been a pleasure *seals it*

Demon: *grimaces* Thanks... *falls back into her own mind* *REELS* Erg... what a headache...

Tu: *pops into existence*I found it! *holding a copy of memory-blocking for dummies* Oh... *looks over the scene* Oh my, *wide-eyed, Five-type stare* have they just been...

Demon: *blinks* Oh good, it's you... I was wondering when you were going to show up *leans on car for support, is still wobbly from mind-travel* *glances at the semi-naked Three and Delgado!Master who has fallen on top of him* *smirks* Yes, I suppose they have... *sees book* Oh, THANKS for that, by the way...

Tu: A bit late, by the looks of things *snorts and tosses it into a bush* You look mildly hung over, read any good minds lately?

Demon: *glare* You want to take a trip down 'I have drums but can't see them'? Erg, his mind is so... TWISTED, and I mean that in a very PHYSICAL way, you understand, it's just... all over the place, I don't know how he manages a single thought...

Tu: Is it a wonder is plans are so rubbish-- OH! Here, hold on *pats down pockets, pulls out a cricket ball, some yarn, an unexplained remote control, some jelly babies, a small paperback and* HERE! This should help *tosses aspirin*

Demon: *fumbles for it* *falls somewhere inside Bessie* Oh... fan-bloody-tastic... *REALLY doesn't want to go looking for it*

Tu: *sigh* *hands on hips* Well, just leave it, we have more in our TARDIS and those two won't use it

Demon: Oh, we do have a TARDIS now? LEMME SEE!

Tu: *sigh* Alright, come on... but if you change the desktop theme to leopard print I MAY HAVE to kill you. We'll have to tow these two back to their timeframe...

Demon: *grimaces* *still isn't walking quite perfectly* Now, why on EARTH would I change it to leopard print? You know I have better taste than... oh, Rassilon...

Tu: *pouts* what?

Demon: *judgment!brow* You set the Chameleon Circuit for THE TARDIS?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CONFUSING THIS WILL BE?! *is secretly very, very pleased*

Tu: *beams* Aw, but I like it! And it's not like we're planning to do this sort of thing on a regular basis *opens the door* *gestures* after you

Demon: *mutters* Maybe _you're_ not... huh... what regeneration's is this?

Tu: *grins and sprints insides* Do you like it? It's Eight with just a splash of Nine to keep it sane... ish

Demon: I see... yes it seems very much more... HOMEY than normal... well, at least the console looks familiar *likes that green-ish corally version*

Tu: *flops down in the chair* ... *has already put on some Ella Fitzgerald* *picks up a copy of the Time Machine and flips through it before--* Isn't it BRILLIANT! Oh-- no time for tea *bounces up again* We've got to get them back to their time before anyone notices them gone.

Demon: *raises eyebrow* Ya' think? OH! And we have to hunt down Three's TARDIS, oh damn... *groan*

Tu: *sighs* Can't we just dump them and Bessie in front of Unit? *whines* I'm sure they'll be fiiiine and I really, REALLY want to visit the Eye of Orion *pouts*

Demon: *sigh* Yes, fine, we can visit Beetlejuice too while we're there, and... *sigh* seeing as waking either of them up to ask would be a BAD idea and trying to ask Ten or Simm!Master would be even MORE ineffectual, I'd say we drop them off and then come back to Ten and Simm!Master when they're done shagging, make them find it, and drop it off at UNIT earlier this morning and tell the Brig where he can find the Doctor and the Master... sound like a plan? *has so not thought this through in advance*

Tu: Hmmm...? *was playing with the buttons and not listening at all* Oh, yes, yes, that sounds brilliant!

Demon: *grits teeth* *IS changing the desktop theme when Tu's not looking* Right, well come on them, how do you want to transport Bessie, hmmm? Just tie a rope around her and drag it through the time vortex behind us?

Tu: *laughs* No, no, of course not.... *thinks it over* you don't suppose we could find a rope around here at this hour, do you?

Demon: *facepalms* NO! WE ARE NOT TOWING BESSIE BEHIND US, THE DOCTOR WOULD KILL US! Besides, we might lose them. Why don't we land the TARDIS on top of Bessie and transport her that way, okay?

Tu: *sighs* Oh, alright.... *pauses* This is going to be tricky.

Demon: *chews tongue* Yep... I would guess we're about.... ooh, 50 feet away? Convert that to metres, it's... about 9.5 metres away? Ish? *fails at that calculation* Well, at least we don't have to mess with the time frame...

Tu: True, true--- here *adjust the space-destination slightly* I _think_ that should be right. Or it might accidentally kill us. Want to give it a go?

Demon: Well, it's not a TARDIS trip unless there's the very strong possibility that you might die... ALLONS Y!

Tu: *yanks a lever* ANDIAMO! *hangs on for dear life*

Demon: BUFFERS! *reaches for the lever* Goodness, we're new at this... *sees Bessie starting to appear in the middle of Tu's very lovely sitting room* Well, at least it's worked...

Tu: Yes! *remembers the sleeping Time Lords* *more quietly* Yes-- now, step two!

Demon: Hold on... *walks over to Bessie* *carefully starts removing the Master's jacket*

Tu: What're you doing? *curious* Can I help? Oh! We could draw funny pictures on them with sharpie!

Demon: *sighs* No Sharpie... *slightly evil!grin* Well, Three's completely naked, I want it to look like it was a fair fight... *wink*

Tu: Oh, I see *watches* Makes sense. Happy now? Can we get them back where they belong?

Demon: *taps lip* There's one last thing... *arranges so it looks like they were cuddling* Perfect! *happy!fangirl!grin* Okay, we're good now...

Tu: Alright, I think I'm getting the hang of this whole "setting coordinates" deal-- you might wanna hold on and be ready to press that "press only in dire emergency" button

Demon: The great, big, threatening button that should never ever ever be pressed? I'm on it.

Tu: *sends us off into the Vortex* I'm thinking... RIGHT outside Unit headquarters, what about you?

Demon: I don't know, I think we should make UNIT hunt for them, just a little, so that they have time to sit and wonder what the HELL happened last night *evil!grin* And maybe try to reenact parts of it... *mischievous eyebrow!waggle* Tempting as it is to hear what the Brig would say waking up to THAT *giggles*

Tu: *stiffled giggle* Fair enough... ooh, somewhere out of the way, lets see, how about... BIRMINGHAM! *punches in the coordinates*

Demon: WAAAH! *tries not to scream* *clutches console* Sheesh, the vortex does NOT like being played with...

Tu: That's the FUN bit! It's nearly as good as materialization which--hold on-- is going to be a bit bumpy

Demon: *THUNK* *is thrown off the console* *lands on the handy seats* Now I know why he puts the padding on the rails... meh, the materialization has its upsides... *grin* *did not just imagine falling into someone's lap doing that* So... what do we do now? DRIVE Bessie out of here? *does not like that prospect after carefully arranging the two sleeping Time Lords*

Tu: Oh, I know! It's like being on a great big trampoline! *glee* we're a bit Caerdroia together, aren't we, I was just thinking-- OH! Right, them. Well. *looks them over* We could just leave them, same as we picked them up

Demon: *did not understand a word of that first bit* *blinks* But, how do we dematerialize around something? *they never showed us doing it backwards!* *pouts*

Tu: Well, I'd think we could just do the same as the forward bit, only in reverse! *Caerdroia!Eight-ish vague smile* ...oh... or maybe not. Hm

Demon: *judgment!brow* yeah, doing it in reverse doesn't exactly WORK does it... Well, if I knew anything about writing coordinates for the TARDIS, my guess would be you give it a certain parameter of internal space that you tell it NOT to move, um... NO idea how we would tell it, her... him? What'd you get?

Tu: *sigh* Well, we could always try...*scratches head* ....driving Bessie out of here. Do you think we could make the doors big enough?

Demon: 8O *wibbles* But, but... my careful arranging! *pouts* Plus, THREE WOULD KILL US. Plus plus, she's a stick-shift and slightly ancient besides, sorry Bessie *is way to used to treating machine-like things as if they had feelings*, do you even know HOW to drive her 'cause I can't drive stick! Plus plus plus, moving them will be HELL, Three, need I remind you, is NAKED except for the jacket draped over his most Time-Lord-y bits...

Tu: *hands on hips* do you have a better idea?

Demon: *pouts* *scuffs floor with shoe* No...

Tu: *claps hands together* Well then, I'll move Three, you move the Master and we'll just cut away tidily until after this whole business is over

Demon: You mean I don't even get CREDIT for my struggling? *jawdrop of Rassilon*

Tu: That's right *shoulder pet* I don't really think we need to subject the folks at home to all that, eh? They're just here for the slash.

Demon: *sigh* Fine...

***When at LAST our valiant heroines have managed to get Bessie outside the TARDIS...***

Demon: Correction... Three's not going to kill us, the TARDIS is going to kill us *stares at the tracks they made on the nice carpet*

Tu: Oh, I don't know, I think they add a certain ambiance... it says "lived in", it says "modern" ...it says.... "we had a car in our console room"

Demon: Brilliant... *turns back to glance over their handiwork* *the Master and the Doctor are laid out almost as perfectly as she had them* *VIOLENT SHUDDER* NEVER again... *has seen way too much old Time Lord body for one LIFETIME* we are NEVER planning something like this AGAIN unless it's Ten and a whole slew of Simm!Masters... *stomps into TARDIS*

Tu: *storms after, grumbling* at this rate I'll never get to play with Eight--oh hey, that rhymed! *beams to herself* *slips the door shut*

Demon: What? Oh never mind, set a course for wherever, I'm going to go make some very strong tea, you want some?

Tu: Yes please! Tea, earl grey, hot-- shaken, not stirred! *sets coordinates for the Eye of Orion*

Demon: *rolls eyes* Yes Mr. Bond...


	12. One Dewy Morn': Part 1

**Title:** One Dewy Morn' or The Day Missing from the Brig's Book of Life

**Authors:** Tu as Three, Jo, and Benton, Demon as Delgado!Master and the Brigadier

**Rating:** M for strange weather patterns at inopportune moments

**Summary:** The third and final installment of our EPIC Three/Delgado!Master RP trilogy. And, no matter how hard we wibbled at the beginning, we always end up at the same crack and fluff we know and love. Hope you've enjoyed.

**Warnings:** BRIG!ABUSE, SO MUCH BRIG!ABUSE, rather explicit secksy-tiem, mild OOC, thick!Three (ACK! NOT… erg…), panic!Jo

Doctor: *closes his eyes a little tighter against the sunlight and cuddles closer to the warm body next to him, it's chilly, smells foggy and there doesn't seem to be enough blanket*... *wakes up enough to hide his face a little from the light, in the Master's hair* *grumblewhines* Jamie, turnitoff--*little snore as he settles back into his dream*

Master: *hmmph* *wraps the Doctor's arm tighter around him* *realizes that he just grabbed someone's arm* *opens eyes* *sees arm* *realizes it must be attached to a body* *looks behind him* *...* *stares for a moment* *with great restraint, manages to make no noise at all* *lies back down and attempts to remember WHAT THE HELL happened last night*

Doctor: *freezes as soon as he feels the Master shift, he _was_ having a very pleasant dream, but now that he's this close to consciousness he can't ignore all the things wrong with the situation* *little, muffled groan, because it was such a nice calm morning* *slowly stretches and reluctantly opens one eye* *snaps to consciousness and struggles to cover himself with his jacket--so that's why the blanket seemed so small...* What--!? What in the name of every system are YOU doing-- *noticing just how naked they both are* What have you _done_ to me?!

Master: *rolls over* What have _I_ done to YOU?! *didn't notice quite HOW naked the Doctor was before...* *snaps out of it before he notices (hopefully)* My dear Doctor, I haven't the faintest idea how we came to be in this situation but I'm perfectly sure that YOU dragged me into it.

Doctor: *scoffs* A likely story, this is JUST the sort of thing you're desperate and depraved enough to attempt-- do you _mind? _*turns, trying to get a hold of some of his dignity while covering himself as well as he can* Though I thought even you had scruples enough to avoid anything so... base

Master: You think I'M to blame for this situation?! *notices they have yet to scoot away from each other, despite the nakedness* My clothes aren't even here! What possible advantage could I have had in this situation, or point at all, might I ask? *is SO going to make him say it*

Doctor: *eyebrow quirk* My dear fellow, it is obvious, even to a _human,_ that you are some what... shall we say...infatuated with me *looks down pointedly to where they're still touching* *moves away to look for his shirt* Though up until this point I would not have imagined you so desperate

Master: Is that so Doctor? Then why did I wake up with your arms around me? *looks into the backseat in case that's where their clothes ended up*

Doctor: *slightly flustered* Clearly I was not in my right mind, I can't remember anything after... *horrified gasp* oh, Rassilon, Omega and the Other-- *has found his shirt* What did you _DO _to me?

Master: *glances at the shirt* *snickers slightly* I always did think you looked a bit of a poof in it... You know I can't remember anything either, Doctor *frowns* Perhaps some terrible third party was taunting us...

Doctor *puts down the ruined shirt with an absolutely poisonous glare* You are not seriously suggesting that some alien presence forced us to--to *frustrated shirt-fling as he goes after his trousers* you've been spending too much time in the Matrix

Master: *smug!grin* And why is that such a horrific possibility? Would you rather believe that we... *glances at the rather stained shirt* of our own free will?

Doctor: *goes a little pink* No, of COURSE not! Of all the childish--HERE *tosses the tie he's just found at him, a little more violently than is necessary*

Master: *catches tie* Oh good, while I'm otherwise completely naked I'll at least be able to clothe my neck... *tries not to watch the Doctor bending over*

Doctor: *tries to ignore the fact that he can feel the Master staring* *rummages around before finding a pair of trousers* Yours, I believe...Ah hah! *unwilling to wait to find his pants, slips on the pair of black trousers he just found stuffed almost completely under the seat* That's better, *with one last, longing look at his ruined shirt, slides on his jacket over his bare chest. Hopefully he can sneak into his TARDIS to change before anyone notices*

Master: *is tempted to point out that because those pants are too small for him they REALLY aren't helping* I see... you want to get dressed, but you'd rather keep _me_ naked... *reclining on the seats in the back, isn't even looking anymore* Really Doctor, how ARE you going to explain this?

Doctor: *focusing on buttoning his trousers, not going to look at the Master, not going to give him the satisfaction, not going to--Rassilon* I don't plan on explaining it. *retrieves a rumpled but relatively clean shirt from beneath the driver's seat* As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen! *clears throat, calms himself, still holding the Master's shirt* I--I will, of course, look into the matter back at Unit, and attempt to recover my memories... *sends mixed messages*

Master: *leans forward, under the pretext of taking the shirt* Are you saying you... _want_ to remember? *brushes the Doctor's hand accidentally!on-purpose as he takes the shirt*

Doctor: *stays far too still as the Master touched him, shivering slightly before jerking away* I like to keep my mind intact, when at all possible. *looks around for his socks, determined not to watch the other man dress* Especially given my situation, I'm sure you understand

Master: Yes, yes, I suppose... *buttons shirt* you know I could... look for you... in case something was locked

Doctor: *straightens up suddenly at that* No. *cold, tightlipped scowl* No, I feel I have been violated enough for the time being, wouldn't you agree? *has managed to get his shoes on* *starts the engine perfectly calmly, not even looking to see if the Master's finished dressing*

Master: *pouts* *tries not to feel hurt* *feels hurt* Hold on, what's this... *sees something small and gleaming on the floor of the backseat* *picks it up* Doctor! *slightly furious now*

Doctor: *is trying to get them out of the ditch, getting fairly into it and slamming the pedal down* *still seething* Yes, what is it now?

Master: How do you explain THIS on the floor of your car then? *holds out the aspirin tablet*

Doctor: *manages to get them out of the ditch with only slight jostling* Hmm? What have you got-- *stops them in the road and reaches out to take it* *drops it, eyes wide* What are you doing with aspirin, you know perfectly well the effects that would-- *sudden, horrifying conclusion* You must have been planning to kill me! *Oh, of course, it wouldn't be the first time, but poisoning is so impersonal and so--so-- unlike him* Killing me in my sleep, I knew you hated me but I honestly never thought-- *trying not to sound hurt* *contemplates kicking him out and making him walk*

Master: *splutters* HATE you?! My dear Doctor, I-! *realizes it would be a VERY BAD idea to finish that sentence* Well anyway, how do I know YOU didn't bring it to kill me? *judgment!brow*

Doctor: Kill you? *honestly shocked, to the point that, if he were driving, they might have ended up in another ditch* *shakes it off* don't be preposterous, I never would. *Because he disapproves of senseless violence, of course, not simply because the Master is... the Master* *swallows* *starts the engine once more*

Master: *raises eyebrow* So why IS there aspirin in your car then? *sits back down, sighs* Neither of us can remember anything from last night, there is aspirin, and we both woke up naked... *will not add 'in each others arms', will not add 'in each other's arms', will not... WILL NOT!*

Doctor: *eyebrows hiding in his hair, focusing on the road* ... in each other's arms. Yes, I admit, your suggestion of third party involvement may not be so far fetched after all

Master: *slightly touched that he managed to say it* *small smile that he knows the Doctor can see* It may not... perhaps I was trying to kill you and you... convinced me not to *is really just saying this for his own amusement, doesn't believe it for a second*

Doctor: *slightly softened by the Master's reaction to his accusation of hating him, and calmed by having Bessie back on the road* My dear fellow, if you had your mind set on killing me for good, I hardly think you would have let yourself be distracted by my...*coughs* *really shouldn't be going there* Yes, well. Besides, _aspirin?_ It lacks your usual flair

Master: So you HAVE given up your belief that I was trying to kill you? What a comfort. *it actually is* *smiles again* *whatever happened last night, even if he can't remember it, he's glad it happened*

Doctor: *slightly flustered* Yes, well, poisoning me in my sleep after an ill-conceived rendezvous is poor planning, even for you. Especially since you appear to have drifted off as well-- *bites back a remark about stamina and their days at the Academy... it's far too easy to forget that this man is not Koschei*

Master: *sniffs* No doubt after a long and sweaty struggle through the night... *will not look at the Doctor, will not look at the Doctor, will not-- _Rassilon_* *blush*

Doctor: *chokes* *manages not to drive them off the road again* No doubt. *quietly* Though I'm hardly sore... Now, where have you left your TARDIS this time, hmm? Disguised as the Brigadier's dresser or something equally inventive?

Master: *gulps* *STAAAAAARES* *is going to ignore the implications of that* *or TRY to...* *trying REALLY REALLY hard* *FAILING really really hard* I'm sorry Doctor, what was the question?

Doctor: *slightly exasperated* Your _TARDIS_, or were you planning on staying on as _my_ scientific advisor *Decides that the look he just gave the Master was NOT a leer... he was just...uhm... seeing if he'd got his trousers on* *No, Rassilon, that's WORSE*

Master: *recovers himself* *smirks slightly at the Doctor's leer* Well Doctor, I suppose you do need as much technical help as you can get... *would not secretly love just helping the Doctor mend his TARDIS and then flying all around the galaxy with him*

Doctor: *slightly thrown by how easily he accepted--or nearly accepted the offer--or almost offer* Mocking my technical skills? Unwise. *decides to call him on it, before this can get out of hand* I'll just take you back to Unit, then, shall I?

Master: Doctor, hadn't we already established that I... well, that I would fix some of your design problems back at UNIT? *knows they've already been through this run around once before and really doesn't want it to end the same way*

Doctor: Yes... *not brooding, just thinking while he negotiates a particularly tricky bit of straight roadway* Yes, but after this... incident, we can hardly just-- can we? Besides, *changing the subject quickly* cooped up at Unit, dealing with the Brigadier and life on a single planet, you would hardly want to put yourself through that when you have the option of escape *not bitter* *speeds up significantly*

Master: *leans forward, could always claim he was thrown forward* Yes, but if you were listening when we discussed this... I included trips in the TARDIS if... *leans back again, he can't say it twice*

Doctor: _If?_ If I play by your rules, wasn't that it? *really needs to find a nice, quiet corner of one of the storage rooms and meditate for a bit* If is a powerful word, and after... _this_ I'm not entirely sure that's wise

Master: You really do have the dullest of memories, don't you? *can't _believe_ he doesn't remember _this_* *groaning* Doctor... *in a low voice than can hardly be heard over the engine and the wind* please, don't make me say it again...

Doctor: *little shiver that he can and will blame on the early morning wind* *softly, resisting the urge to close his eyes as that would most likely land them in the middle of a field* I'd quite like to hear it.

Master: *clenches fist, he knows the Doctor takes it for granted that he'll do anything for him* *weighs the pros and cons of denying him...* *just a little infuriated with the smug bastard, but inevitably, can't say no* *gets right up close to the Doctor, and in his ear, whispers* if you let me stay... *pulls away quickly, pretending that wasn't almost intimate*

Doctor: *shivers at the feeling of the Master's breath on his ear* *NOT letting him get away that easily* *darts out quickly, grabbing him by the collar. Venusian Aikido does wonders for the reflexes* *pulls him into a rough kiss, not particularly caring that he should be watching the road and that anyone driving the other way will get an eyeful* *softly* I still need to know what happened...

Master: *was not totally willing to be swept away by that kiss* *in fact, would enjoy crashing this car if it meant they died together in each other's embrace...* *SNAPS OUT OF IT* *actually manages to hear what the Doctor said* *weary sigh* And you're sure you wouldn't let me... *looks him in the eye, almost pleading*

Doctor: *doesn't manage to hide just how uncertain and, yes, frightened this whole situation has made him* *turns his attention back to the road in time to avoid sending them through a fence* *takes the curve a little faster than he would have liked* Let's focus on getting back to Unit and finding out what did this to us, hm?

Master: Very well... *because he's hurt* So you wanted to give me one last snog before you turned me in?

Doctor: *licks his lips slightly... realizes what he's doing and stops* Of course not, nothing of the sort!

Master: *notices the lick* *tries not to feel flattered/aroused/tempted* Really? You sound so sincere... yes, I think I see it now, kissing me to distract me from your real motivation...

Doctor: *resisting the urge to do something terribly immature like roll his eyes* Honestly, your tendency towards the dramatic is going to trip you up one of these days. If I _were_ going to let Unit have their way with you I would have done so when you first blundered into their custody

Master: *ignoring him* Distracting me with your chest, a little juvenile, don't you think? *unsubtle!bare-chest!grope* *nuzzles the back of the Doctor's neck, and again, really doesn't care if they drive off the road*

Doctor: No-- I mean, yes, but I am not attempting to-- I could hardly wear my shirt in its current-- do you mind! *swerves and squirms slightly*

Master: *chuckling* You like it... *moving his hands in small circles* Or pull over and prove to me you don't...

Doctor: *swears in Gallifreyan, under his breath, because his hand did twitch on the wheel* Oh, you would like that, wouldn't you? *glares at the road, doesn't shift away*

Master: Oh, yes please... *kisses down the Doctor's neck*

Doctor: Oh-- *shivers but doesn't pull away* stop it, can't you see I'm trying to drive?

Master: Yet another good reason to pull over... *doesn't stop*

Doctor: *unamused, warning tone* Master...

Master: *groans pathetically, indulging himself* *leaves his breath tingling on the back of the Doctor's neck and withdraws to the backseat again* You'll regret not pulling over...

Doctor: I will, will I? *shifts, grumbling and trying to regain his composure*

Master: *stares at the back of his head, knowing it's making him uncomfortable* Oh yes, I daresay you will. *slightly smug*

Doctor: *shifts uncomfortably, trying to ignore him while not _ignoring_ him, because ignoring the Master is dangerous* *hums to himself a bit* *taps the wheel* *can't take it any more* ... will you STOP that!

Master: *tries not to laugh* *snorts uncontrollably* Doctor you know me well enough to know I have a thousand other tricks to annoy you... one of the hazards of taking a road trip with a childhood _friend. _*winks*

Doctor: That's as may be, but I hardly think you'd resort to something so juvenile

Master: Who was being juvenile? _I_ was being nostalgic. *small smile*

Doctor: *swallows* Yes, well, I suppose you were being both. *stubborn*

Master: Ah, Doctor... you know, this could almost be called pleasant... if not for the fact that we're both half naked and have no idea how we came to be in this state of affairs *really kinda wishing for those memories now as he really is starting to believe that they did have a gay old romp in Bessie, emphasis on the happy part of gay...* *can't remember the last time he and the Doctor were so at peace with each other, if you can call this that, and he's pretty sure the LAST time things were so stable was after...* *almost glows at the memory*


End file.
